Show Me The Way

 Styx "Show Me the Way"

I was writing another blog, but after the last...never mind, it's been a long freaking time, it just seems that this is more important right now.  We seem to be living in a hate filled world on even the best of days...which a ton of people right now are going to nod their heads and go "yes, it is the end of days...it is prophesied in the scriptures".  And I shake my head and turn myself and my children toward our current prophets and ask show me the way.

The hate from outside the church I have come to expect and even understand.  But what I am finding completely heartbreaking is that I am seeing more hate-filled speech and rhetoric and anger and prejudice and bias and just plain judge mental horrible, awful things coming out of the mouths of church members in "good standing" than from anywhere in the world.  I am seeing an incredible outpouring of love from the world outside the church.  Muslims attending Catholic mass in order to show unwavering support of their faithful brothers who suffered a horrible loss at the hands ISIS.  Pope Francis is such a glorious example of love and hope in such difficult times.  Our church leadership shows us everyday the way we should be acting; President Uctdorf presenting a $3 million check to feed refugees...but yet all I hear from members I speak to is that we can't help the refugees because they are all terrorists.  And again I shake my head and turn my children toward the prophet and I take what money I have in my purse and I put it in an envelope at church and scribble refugees in the "other" section knowing where it will go.  Show me the way.

When 50 young men are shot dead in Orlando and the church issues a statement saying that "we mourn with those that mourn", and in the comments section of that statement you have people who say "I have been a member all my life and those *@%* people deserved being shot, let's get a bigger gun and finish them off!".  Please excuse my inability to use their wholly offensive language.  When people I know saw me at church that day as I was crying when I was watching the news report on my phone and asked me why, I told them and they shrugged and was like oh well, they were just gay people.  And as I feel the earth mourn the loss of her life I watch as people turn their backs on her.  I turn again to our prophets and plead show me the way.

I know that this year is an election year and this one includes an active train wreck, but I still believe that above all we are to love one another.  Perhaps if we can't do that then politics is something that shouldn't be talked about.  As long as I could remember there were topics that were never to be spoken of in polite society; religion and politics.  Dalin H. Oaks told us that we could "disagree, without being disagreeable"...And right now I wonder if we have gone beyond disagreeable right into hateful because "we are all members of the same church".  I also am very aware that there are those in the church who strongly believe that to be a good-standing member you have to be a member of the Republican Party...and heaven forbid if they find out that you aren't, because you live in their wrath and their hateful speech, all the time and for a long time.  Trust me, I know because it's been almost 20 years since I turned my back on the Republican Party and I have never looked back.  BOOM!  There I said it, I am not a republican and I never will be, but don't assume you know what I am either.  So I know when I say that you get called names, horrible names.  I don't know why it is ok for people to call others names if they believe different things when we all supposedly believe in emulating Christ.  Yes, we ALL have a right to speak our opinion...but realize that when I and others want nothing more to do with you, it's because your opinion made our noses bleed.    This reminds of a talk Elder Holland gave about a group of BYU fans who went to a sports game and shouted vulgarities at their opponents, when they were told that they were not acting appropriately their response was simply "we check our religion at the door".  Elder Holland's response was an angered "excuse me?!"  I wonder if  sometimes members believe the same thing about politics...perhaps they check Christ at the proverbial door so that they are free to say what they will without guilt.  Or perhaps it is because it's online and they don't have to look people in the eyes when they say these hate filled rants laced with vulgarity.  My eyes turn again to the general authorities:  Show me the way.

What really threw me over the edge this past week was the discovery that a dear elderly woman who is a widow and member of the church is not being cared for.  She isn't just not being cared for, she is being actively ignored.  She needed assistance getting to a medical test and a very mean individual not only told her to go back where she belonged, but that she was not welcome at church anymore.  She told me that this broke  her and no matter what I tried, she had decided that if she was no longer welcome at church then she had no reason left to live.  She had decided to lay down and die.  She wouldn't let me take her, she had lost all hope and will to live.  I sobbed.  I wanted to wrap myself around her and take her pain.  I don't understand why simply being kind is so hard.  Why does it seem as if hate has taken over as the ruling emotion for the church membership.  President Monson please show me the way!

  I am left with such over reaching pain throughout all of these things...after listening to our prophets speak of love, of hope, and of joy.  I have spent a lot of time in the years since my days in Aurora learning about the power of love.  It is truly the most powerful force on this earth and I have seen it do amazing things.  I have seen it work miracles in people's lives and bring people back from the brink of that cliff that leads to both suicide and the complete loss of soul.  And on the opposite side, all hatred does is destroy...relationships and groups and nations and individuals.  It pushes people over the edge, it shoves others toward self-loathing and suicide.  It leads people to believe that violence can be ok.  That suppressing another person or particular group of people's rights or access to rights is ok.  Hatred is Satan's way of doing things, he likes to see people stirred up to contention and anger.  While the Lord's way is to change people's hearts through love and charity; things that bring people together.  Heavenly Father please show me the way!

My children will stand the front lines in the final battle against Satan and his army.  They will stand next to good Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, as well as Mormons.  They will be of all nationalities and all races, and none of that will matter.  It won't matter what they look like, it won't matter what clothes they wear, and none of the rest of it will matter.  In order for that battle to be won my children must love and believe in the people they are fighting with...this is my job now, to teach them to love everyone no matter what they look like or believe.  We are all children of God, brothers and sisters, part of the same eternal family...black or white or brown.  Gay or straight or bi.  Muslim or Christian or Jew. The prophets have said that we are to see to the needs of the poor and the widowed and the orphaned...$3 million just went to feed the refugees, they have shown us the way.  The only question left to ask ourselves is will we follow...will we follow the prophets of God?  Elder Holland put is beautifully when he posed the simple question "what jersey are you wearing?"  I put on the Lord's jersey a long time ago and I don't remove it to shout hateful things to people who disagree with me.  Elder Holland has shown me the way...and I have chosen to loyalty to Christ and my covenants.  If I keep my eye focused on our prophets I am being shown the way, and that is where I keep my family pointed.

To all who care I plead with you to stop this spread of hatred.  Turn yourself to the prophets and ask yourself would you say what you are typing to them?  Would you look them in the eye and say those things?  The things that you share on your page that compare Muslims to poisoned candy...would Christ approve?  Perhaps you should follow the prophets and just simply stick to sharing their posts, as they are always full of love for all mankind because they constantly show us the way!

Xerox Christmas Letter 2015

In honor of Ray Stevens, and given that I don't Xerox anything anymore, this will be done digitally.  I have never done a Xerox Christmas letter before so bear with me, I will try not to let my sense of humor get the better of me...please understand that I can't help if it peeks through on occasion.  I don't completely understand the fascination people have with writing xerox Christmas letters every year and sending it to people who you haven't seen in 10 to 20 years or more.  I do however understand the desire to poke fun at this...I will try.

So, I am supposed to start with Ryane right...let me see:  His car has a pin that is banging around in the engine block, yeah the one we just got.  In the later part of this year while pitching produce about the back room he ripped some things in his shoulders, so we hired the Godfather and we await some type of surgery and settlement.  On a positive note he finished his wastewater class, so now he can tell you how they turn your poop into drinking water...yeah I was a little grossed out too...there are things in life you DO NOT need to know.

Ok now onto me...the best thing I can say is that I am still vertical and able to walk.  I have a ruptured disc in my back which has pretty well emptied itself, while very low down I pretty much don't have any discs at all.  This means I know in living color what sciatica is, and thankfully what the lovely, all be it temporary, cure is...needles, lots of needles.  Now I will discover the joy of branch blocks...also needles.  I also have TMJ in my left jaw...which I will have surgery on in February.  On the positive note I was able to get back onto my meds and the world seems to have a whole lot more color since then...despite the various crisis situations that seem to continually arise.

I suppose Casey is next...what do I say about this child who is both a delight and frustration all at the same time?  The fact that she is still among the living should speak volumes.  Her meds are completely out of control despite 2 med changes and 3 blood tests...she is losing weight and we are waiting to see what the pediatric endocrinologist wants to do in January.  They could end up killing what thyroid she has just to get control.  She hasn't passed her times tables, but gets 100%'s on her math tests which is starting to frustrate her teacher to no end.  She is reading far beyond what she is allowed to AR test for, and I was able to get the librarian to put the Harry Potter tests on her Chromebook so she could test on those which is generally not allowed for elementary school students.  She has tested for the GATE program and I just completed the parent survey for it.  She is also learning not to talk back to her mom...yeah, that's why her still being alive speaks volumes.

Middle child is next...Ryan Jr. is a little sponge, sucking in all information presented to him.  He loves his kindergarten teacher and knows all his letters and sounds!  His numbers took a little longer, but now he is writing to 100 almost every day.  He is in speech 3 days a week, which they take him out of class for, and his articulation is improving each day.  The best words I have ever heard come out of a teachers mouth were "he's a chatterbox here".  This boy is the sweetest thing on 2 feet and I'm sure my reward from God for not cooking Casey...he tells me I'm beautiful and that he wants to marry me and he brings me flowers!  He has also already lost 2 teeth...both pulled out by Grandpa at Ryan's request.

Youngest and final beastie Matthew has grown the most this year, but hey it was his first year of life...he learned to roll, sit, stand, crawl, and walk.  He now weighs over 20 pounds and drinks about half the amount of milk that his brother does...also having to be of the chocolate variety.  You would think being the 3rd child that mom has seen it all...not true here, he seems determined to do anything and everything that his brother and sister never tried or succeeded at!  Mom must experience ALL things, such as: ear infections, contacting poison control on a holiday, temper tantrums, ripping down the gate at the bottom of the stairs, ripping open the cabinet locks, and the list continues daily.  It is truly wonderful to be a 1 year old boy right now with blue eyes and blonde hair!  I have discovered the key to the beast though...food!  Anytime he even begins the grumpies, we put food or milk in his mouth and his mood will do a complete 180 right in front of you.  Welches makes a snack called PB&J...they are little round balls of grape jelly with peanut butter around them...yep, it's a bit like giving an offering and praying he doesn't bite your finger.

On to our old folks, Grandpa and Grandma are both the happiest and tiredest nursery leaders ever...and as far as our ward is concerned the best nursery leaders ever!  Grandma teaches the lessons and Grandpa gives the snacks...and all the kids who have left want to go back!  They have been left with 1 little boy, so Grandpa has recruited the only one due to come in at all...Matthew, no matter that he is only a year old.  Their health is good and they are both happy...despite the truck's first ever major repair.

Now to the pets, because what Xerox Christmas letter would be complete without an update on the dog and cat!!

Barkley has learned the hard way to love his newest charge.  He has spent the majority of the year being retrained by spending nights in his crate because he got angry and was peeing in Matthew's room all the time.  He has since discovered that his new boy is his best bud because he feeds him off his tray at every meal.  No more peeing has meant no more crate, which means happy Barkley and happy boys.  As soon as I am able to go on walks again I will start the companion retraining so that he can begin to accompany me places again.

Our newest addition came to us on Mother's Day...a small calico hairball that dad and I paid $5 each for.  Casey dubbed her Calico Jazz, and we call her Callie.  She has grown quickly to be quite large and she is still not yet a year old, and at this point we are wondering if she isn't part wildcat.  I am thinking that if she continues to grow she is going to be roughly the same size as a small puma.  Having a female cat has been very different for us, she is entirely indoor and she needs people...us for example.  She is quite the little momma, and gets angry at me when I don't follow Matthew all over this house...she does that for me.  She follows me around the house checking on the kids and occasionally biting my feet...when she isn't draping herself over Grandpa's shoulder.

My Oil Supply is Dangerously Low...

I think I am ready to talk about it...I have had a terrible few months and an even worse birthday.  The reason focuses solely around the fact that my health has been declining rapidly since I gave birth to my son.  What started as a possible bite problem with my teeth on one side moved rapidly to an advanced ear infection.  While that was occurring my ability to walk was declining and becoming increasingly painful with every pound my young man acquired.  To top it all off our insurance coverage went wonky and it took us 4 months to get it changed back to where Ryane and I had a doctor again.

When May 1st finally rolled around and I was able to see my doctor again the worst of the ear infection was gone, thanks to our best friend who helped me out, but the pain in the side of my head was unreasonable.  The first theory was that the ear infection moved into the mastoid bone:  CT scan and see the ENT stat.  Conclusion:  no infection in the ear at all...but still have pain in side of head running down jaw line, neck line, and across top of head.

The next set of theory's: 1, a blood clot in my brain pressing on a nerve causing my pain.  2, a tumor in my brain pressing on any number of things in my brain causing my pain.  3, an auto-immune disease causing my body to hate itself therefore causing my pain.  4, TMJ, a disorder of the jaw joint causing my jaw and nerves to hate me and causing my pain.  I then had a whole crap load of blood drawn testing for stuff that I can't pronounce.  I had an MRA, MRV, and MRI with and without contrast.  I also had a hearing test done and apparently needed a hearing aid...yay for me!

Meanwhile I was also seeing a physical therapist who was trying to work with my back to see about the pain and weakness I was experiencing down my right leg.  Unfortunately after 4 sessions with her trying and failing to make any progress at all she determined to send me back to my primary care for yet another MRI, this time of my lower back, and a tens unit for pain management.

Throughout all this joy I had to ween my smallish, yet weighty lad off his favorite comfort food...me!  The good news: he was already naturally weening himself off.  The bad news: he wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the formula!  The pediatrician told me to try Gerber Good Start because "it is sweeter...and doesn't taste so much like dirt" she told me.  He still only takes between 8 to 10 oz in a 24 hour period, but he is gaining weight like crazy so who cares!  He only wants real food...that's a boy for you!!

By the time all the most important tests came back I had him weened and could start whatever medication they needed to put me on...the first tests came back clean and normal.  No clots.  No tumors.  Blood tests came back good...everything looks normal.  Went to the doctor and he is pretty positive with me and says that the good news is that it's not all the really bad things that it could be, the bad news is that I'm still in pain.  So, he gives me something specifically designed to help with the nerve pain and I'm to go back to the ENT and see what happens from there.  Right.  The ENT shoves a bunch of tubes in holes in my head and declares it to be option number 4: TMJ, a problem with the jaw joint.  This means that I have to go see the TMJ expert, a man named Stringer, who is "the guy", and quite the guy too...I can't get into see this guy until November!  I'm also told that I should NOT have surgery done, only shots to irrigate the joint...so this should be fun!!

So far the pill the doctor gave me to help with the nerve pain is working wonders and I pray that it will continue to do so until I can see the oral surgeon about the joint.  I just got the results on my lower back MRI:  I have a ruptured disc in my lower back...an injury incurred while giving birth to my most recent addition to our family.  Partly because of the haste, and partly due to the lack of pain killers...in any case, I have a fissure and a bulge causing pain down my leg and numbness in my feet as well as in other areas occasionally.  There is nothing that can be done, it cannot be repaired, there is no going back...it is what it is.  It is a lifetime of pain management and pain management specialists.  It is shots.  It is pain killers.  It is tens pads.  It is changing chairs because one is just "the most horrible thing on 4 legs" to sit in.  It is forever apologizing because I can't sit still any longer for similar reasons.  Normally my doctor is very positive and tries to see the bright side to things, this is one of the reasons that I like him, but he was very serious when he spoke to me...this was not the news he wanted to give.

  I have awoken each morning since that day more and more depressed and anxious.  The days seem to drag on and on...my normal hope is fading and what reserves I used to have are beginning to dwindle.  It is getting to the point where to survive I am going to have to pull in the sides, bandage up the leaks, put up the storm windows, and pull my family tight around me.  This is our family’s knee jerk reaction in any crisis situation...and the past year for us has been one very long crisis, and we are all becoming tapped.

Like in the Parable of the 10 virgins, my lamp is beginning to run low on oil and my light is beginning to dim.  The dilemma I am facing is that my reserves are also depleted after more than a year of difficulty, most of which no one knows about but me.  I need to rebuild and restock my reserves, hopefully before this crisis snuffs out what small light I have left.  I'm not fond of the darkness as it is so hard to find motivation there and so easy to get lost.  I've been lost before...I'd rather be broken again than ever be lost again.

Concerning my Children and my Happiness

 Recently I was told that my actions have not reflected a woman who is happy to have been pregnant 3 times and given birth to 3 children; that I am not, and have not been happy to be a mother.  About 6 months ago, in the midst of my unreasonable irritation, a different individual told me that, in her opinion, I did not see my most recent pregnancy as a blessing.  On days like that I wonder if people really want to know me at all, or if they just want me to be the person that they think I should be.  This post is meant to address this perception of me that is wholly false.

 

First and foremost, I will not lie...being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Even my BA has nothing on this, and there are days when I would say that getting another BA would seem like a vacation when compared to what I do now.  Also, pregnancies are hard for me, as I spend a large portion of it being so sick that I feel as though I am lying at death's door.  At the beginning of Casey's pregnancy I had an infection that I couldn't get rid of, and I went through almost 4 sets of penicillin before it was gone...mostly because I couldn't keep them down to save my life!  With Ryan I was so nauseous that I had to be on meds just so I could eat and gain the weight I needed.  And Matthew's pregnancy had an easy beginning as compared to the other two, but like Ryan was high risk and required extra testing.  I was put on bed rest after going into preterm labor, and it got so bad with him that I almost had to crawl to the bathroom.

So, yes, during the pregnancies I have a hard time showing my joy.  But trust me when I tell you that I was overjoyed to know that I had been entrusted with a precious life.  I used to sit and smile and laugh and talk to my babies as they started moving.  Every time I would hear their heartbeats I would have tears in my eyes at the wonder.  Every time I would have an ultrasound I would cry as I saw their fingers and their spine and their heart.  I watched the blood flow as each chamber pumped away during the fetal echos that I had with my boys.  In that situation the only thing that dwarfs the miracle of modern medicine is the new life that it allows you to see in such detail.

I will admit that Matthew's pregnancy felt rushed and I felt pressured.  But, when I first found out I was pregnant I got down on my knees and thanked God for blessing me with the opportunity to bring another life into our small family.  I came to peace with my conflicting feelings by the time I felt him move the first time.  I cried happy tears and loved the experience while it lasted.  I had been very angry with my husband in the beginning...but now I want to say thank you to him for giving me this precious boy.

After every birth I have given the babies to my husband to hold and said "I made this for you".  Matthew has helped me realize that what I really want to say is "thank you for helping me make these!"  Thank you Ryane, from the bottom of my heart; thank you for our children.  I love them more than I ever knew I could love, with each baby my heart has grown bigger and it never would have gotten this way without them.  My heart aches for those who can't have children because they will never know what it feels like to have your heart and love grow exponentially.  With each precious spirit that I have been entrusted, and created a body for, I have grown ever closer to our Father in Heaven.  I feel things and understand things that are in-explainable.  I love in ways I never knew possible, and I continue to learn every day.

When I was a little girl and they would ask in school what I wanted to be when I grew up, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom.  I don’t know that most kids get to grow up to be what they wanted to be when they were kids, I did.  I got to grow up to be a mom, just exactly what I wanted out of life, and that is because of my husband.  Despite the many difficulties that I live with every day, like depression and anxiety, my husband has always believed in my ability to be a mom and to care for our children.  He wanted another even after I spent 5 days in the psych hospital…that means more to me than words can speak.  I was afraid for a long time, wondering if I could, but Ryane never doubted.  I am what I always wanted to be because of my husband.  Thank you for that Ryane, you have given me everything I have always said I wanted in life and that is my definition of happiness.