My Oil Supply is Dangerously Low...

I think I am ready to talk about it...I have had a terrible few months and an even worse birthday.  The reason focuses solely around the fact that my health has been declining rapidly since I gave birth to my son.  What started as a possible bite problem with my teeth on one side moved rapidly to an advanced ear infection.  While that was occurring my ability to walk was declining and becoming increasingly painful with every pound my young man acquired.  To top it all off our insurance coverage went wonky and it took us 4 months to get it changed back to where Ryane and I had a doctor again.

When May 1st finally rolled around and I was able to see my doctor again the worst of the ear infection was gone, thanks to our best friend who helped me out, but the pain in the side of my head was unreasonable.  The first theory was that the ear infection moved into the mastoid bone:  CT scan and see the ENT stat.  Conclusion:  no infection in the ear at all...but still have pain in side of head running down jaw line, neck line, and across top of head.

The next set of theory's: 1, a blood clot in my brain pressing on a nerve causing my pain.  2, a tumor in my brain pressing on any number of things in my brain causing my pain.  3, an auto-immune disease causing my body to hate itself therefore causing my pain.  4, TMJ, a disorder of the jaw joint causing my jaw and nerves to hate me and causing my pain.  I then had a whole crap load of blood drawn testing for stuff that I can't pronounce.  I had an MRA, MRV, and MRI with and without contrast.  I also had a hearing test done and apparently needed a hearing aid...yay for me!

Meanwhile I was also seeing a physical therapist who was trying to work with my back to see about the pain and weakness I was experiencing down my right leg.  Unfortunately after 4 sessions with her trying and failing to make any progress at all she determined to send me back to my primary care for yet another MRI, this time of my lower back, and a tens unit for pain management.

Throughout all this joy I had to ween my smallish, yet weighty lad off his favorite comfort food...me!  The good news: he was already naturally weening himself off.  The bad news: he wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the formula!  The pediatrician told me to try Gerber Good Start because "it is sweeter...and doesn't taste so much like dirt" she told me.  He still only takes between 8 to 10 oz in a 24 hour period, but he is gaining weight like crazy so who cares!  He only wants real food...that's a boy for you!!

By the time all the most important tests came back I had him weened and could start whatever medication they needed to put me on...the first tests came back clean and normal.  No clots.  No tumors.  Blood tests came back good...everything looks normal.  Went to the doctor and he is pretty positive with me and says that the good news is that it's not all the really bad things that it could be, the bad news is that I'm still in pain.  So, he gives me something specifically designed to help with the nerve pain and I'm to go back to the ENT and see what happens from there.  Right.  The ENT shoves a bunch of tubes in holes in my head and declares it to be option number 4: TMJ, a problem with the jaw joint.  This means that I have to go see the TMJ expert, a man named Stringer, who is "the guy", and quite the guy too...I can't get into see this guy until November!  I'm also told that I should NOT have surgery done, only shots to irrigate the joint...so this should be fun!!

So far the pill the doctor gave me to help with the nerve pain is working wonders and I pray that it will continue to do so until I can see the oral surgeon about the joint.  I just got the results on my lower back MRI:  I have a ruptured disc in my lower back...an injury incurred while giving birth to my most recent addition to our family.  Partly because of the haste, and partly due to the lack of pain killers...in any case, I have a fissure and a bulge causing pain down my leg and numbness in my feet as well as in other areas occasionally.  There is nothing that can be done, it cannot be repaired, there is no going back...it is what it is.  It is a lifetime of pain management and pain management specialists.  It is shots.  It is pain killers.  It is tens pads.  It is changing chairs because one is just "the most horrible thing on 4 legs" to sit in.  It is forever apologizing because I can't sit still any longer for similar reasons.  Normally my doctor is very positive and tries to see the bright side to things, this is one of the reasons that I like him, but he was very serious when he spoke to me...this was not the news he wanted to give.

  I have awoken each morning since that day more and more depressed and anxious.  The days seem to drag on and on...my normal hope is fading and what reserves I used to have are beginning to dwindle.  It is getting to the point where to survive I am going to have to pull in the sides, bandage up the leaks, put up the storm windows, and pull my family tight around me.  This is our family’s knee jerk reaction in any crisis situation...and the past year for us has been one very long crisis, and we are all becoming tapped.

Like in the Parable of the 10 virgins, my lamp is beginning to run low on oil and my light is beginning to dim.  The dilemma I am facing is that my reserves are also depleted after more than a year of difficulty, most of which no one knows about but me.  I need to rebuild and restock my reserves, hopefully before this crisis snuffs out what small light I have left.  I'm not fond of the darkness as it is so hard to find motivation there and so easy to get lost.  I've been lost before...I'd rather be broken again than ever be lost again.