In August a few things were said to me: first
that my 2 year old was not as important as the activity day girls in our ward; and
second that I am not teaching my daughter adequate coping skills for
both her depression and anxiety. Why was I told this...why did they come at me...because my daughter can't sit still in primary sharing time. As
I have instructed her to do, she got up and walked around when she
started having an anxiety problem...in the back of the room of course. But here's where the story starts to stink like crap: when
I got to the primary room my daughter was cornered on the floor in the
fetal position sobbing with 2 people leaning down over her. So, apparently not sitting pretty has become a sin, and such a sin that we should corner children and make them cry. I'm not sure when this happened, but hey come at my kid...that's a really good idea. I
was told all this by a person in a position of leadership in the
primary at church...of course it was the same person leaning over my
baby girl as I walked in the door.
Before this I
had to deal with being told that my son is of no importance at all...My 2
year old was the only child in the nursery, and so apparently he
doesn't deserve to have a teacher, let alone a nursery leader. At
the same time activity days (where the nursery teacher he had was
pulled in order to go) must need several, because there were already
multiple called to do that job. So, after 9 pm on a Sunday night I was called to hear the above mentioned lecture...needless to say I was fed up. But I listened silently for 20 to 30 minutes before she said something truly stupid enough to prompt mother bear's anger.
As she came at my cub, this mother bear turned, very angry, raised on her haunches and ripped her throat out. This, for me, was the most reasonable response that I could muster. Honestly this, to me, seems the most reasonable response any mother could muster if you really think about it.
My first reaction to what happened was anger, more than anger; rage, and a seething rage at that. I was readying my battle paint and getting ready to scream: "Cry havoc! Let slip the dogs of war." At the same time I was in full mother bear mode and that meant no one came within proximity to the kids that I wasn't ok with. We circled the wagons and hunkered down, as I stood out front growling, drooling, and spitting...and I swiped my claws at anyone who came near enough to take one in the side. And as a mother bear I am merciless when the attack begins and my growl is mighty.
In the meantime I hit rock bottom then sunk ten floors below that. My
depression was slipping out of control...this was becoming more than an
episode, I was starting to exhibit suicidal behaviors. At the same time my anxiety level was into the stratosphere and was beyond out of control as well. I was unable to leave the house, and rarely out of my bed. I
stopped eating, and for the first time in almost 5 years I wanted to
take the Haldol shot and go back to the hospital in San Diego. I
longed for the orange walls and 15 minute bed checks...I wanted them to
take away my pens and forks and hair clips and pants ties. I
wanted to have to prove I took my meds morning, noon, and night. What I
longed to feel was safe from myself, but I wasn't...I was left here
imagining putting a knife to my wrists again. Every time I closed my eyes...this was my hell cycle, and I lived it over and over again. For future reference, this is what losing your religion looks like...when the the mom's prime directive to keep their children from all harm is in direct conflict with her religion. Church was no longer a safe place for my children to be...thus where do I go from here?
As the months came to a close and the decision to go back in that building came closer my anxiety kicked into full panic mode. I
didn't want to have anything to do with those people ever again...as it
had been made very clear to me that it was inconsequential to them if I
lived or died. But here's where the rubber hits the road: We
have an 11 year old girl, an almost 8 year old little man getting ready
for baptism, and a 3 year old terrorist that is way not ready to be sitting
in primary. But hey, maybe screaming at the leaders and making fart sounds with his brother will work for for them...it sure makes me laugh.
I'm used to people in the church coming at me, hell I've almost been inoculated against that. But
what I did not see coming and what no mother really prepares for is
someone coming at her kids, or trying to get at her through her
children. Or worst yet someone, an adult in the church just plain
picking out your primary aged child to bully. Even one who is supposed to understand the difficulties that your child has and claims to care.
We live in a
time where children are different, and these difficulties that they have
from birth give them a natural ability to follow the prophets commands
for the generations of today. These children have no prejudice or intolerance in them, and the only way they learn it is if we, as their parents, are so arrogant in our belief and intolerance to teach it to them. I think God would ask us why we did that, I really do. They
have the most glorious ability to love the way Christ loves, to see
everyone the way Christ does, and to act and react the way Christ
does...why do so many of us have an urgent desire to teach that out of
them. We are often told in the scriptures to be as little children...is this perhaps a moment in time where we would do well to learn from our children rather than spending so much time "protecting them" by teaching the love right out of them. Maybe, just maybe, we should stop controlling them; instead support what they do and "marvel at their accomplishments". I
think they have been sent to teach us this time; and just as when the
Lord taught on the steps of the temple at age 12...maybe we should stop
and listen. May be, just may be we should stick our pride in a drawer, lock it there, and throw away the key. Then we can be open to being humble and teachable...by our own children. We
can't teach love when we have any amount of hate, or intolerance in our hearts...you can't teach love if you don't know how to love, or even what love is. How about we not corrupt those who can help us see God in all his glory. How about we worry more about protecting our children from anyone who would teach them hate and intolerance...let only love cross our lips.
