Concerning my Children and my Happiness

 Recently I was told that my actions have not reflected a woman who is happy to have been pregnant 3 times and given birth to 3 children; that I am not, and have not been happy to be a mother.  About 6 months ago, in the midst of my unreasonable irritation, a different individual told me that, in her opinion, I did not see my most recent pregnancy as a blessing.  On days like that I wonder if people really want to know me at all, or if they just want me to be the person that they think I should be.  This post is meant to address this perception of me that is wholly false.

 

First and foremost, I will not lie...being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Even my BA has nothing on this, and there are days when I would say that getting another BA would seem like a vacation when compared to what I do now.  Also, pregnancies are hard for me, as I spend a large portion of it being so sick that I feel as though I am lying at death's door.  At the beginning of Casey's pregnancy I had an infection that I couldn't get rid of, and I went through almost 4 sets of penicillin before it was gone...mostly because I couldn't keep them down to save my life!  With Ryan I was so nauseous that I had to be on meds just so I could eat and gain the weight I needed.  And Matthew's pregnancy had an easy beginning as compared to the other two, but like Ryan was high risk and required extra testing.  I was put on bed rest after going into preterm labor, and it got so bad with him that I almost had to crawl to the bathroom.

So, yes, during the pregnancies I have a hard time showing my joy.  But trust me when I tell you that I was overjoyed to know that I had been entrusted with a precious life.  I used to sit and smile and laugh and talk to my babies as they started moving.  Every time I would hear their heartbeats I would have tears in my eyes at the wonder.  Every time I would have an ultrasound I would cry as I saw their fingers and their spine and their heart.  I watched the blood flow as each chamber pumped away during the fetal echos that I had with my boys.  In that situation the only thing that dwarfs the miracle of modern medicine is the new life that it allows you to see in such detail.

I will admit that Matthew's pregnancy felt rushed and I felt pressured.  But, when I first found out I was pregnant I got down on my knees and thanked God for blessing me with the opportunity to bring another life into our small family.  I came to peace with my conflicting feelings by the time I felt him move the first time.  I cried happy tears and loved the experience while it lasted.  I had been very angry with my husband in the beginning...but now I want to say thank you to him for giving me this precious boy.

After every birth I have given the babies to my husband to hold and said "I made this for you".  Matthew has helped me realize that what I really want to say is "thank you for helping me make these!"  Thank you Ryane, from the bottom of my heart; thank you for our children.  I love them more than I ever knew I could love, with each baby my heart has grown bigger and it never would have gotten this way without them.  My heart aches for those who can't have children because they will never know what it feels like to have your heart and love grow exponentially.  With each precious spirit that I have been entrusted, and created a body for, I have grown ever closer to our Father in Heaven.  I feel things and understand things that are in-explainable.  I love in ways I never knew possible, and I continue to learn every day.

When I was a little girl and they would ask in school what I wanted to be when I grew up, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom.  I don’t know that most kids get to grow up to be what they wanted to be when they were kids, I did.  I got to grow up to be a mom, just exactly what I wanted out of life, and that is because of my husband.  Despite the many difficulties that I live with every day, like depression and anxiety, my husband has always believed in my ability to be a mom and to care for our children.  He wanted another even after I spent 5 days in the psych hospital…that means more to me than words can speak.  I was afraid for a long time, wondering if I could, but Ryane never doubted.  I am what I always wanted to be because of my husband.  Thank you for that Ryane, you have given me everything I have always said I wanted in life and that is my definition of happiness.