No, I am not ok!

So, I am standing in the shower today washing my body thoroughly with a new body wash that is hypoallergenic thinking to myself about the state of me.  This has been on my mind quite a lot lately given my body going into some kind of hyper allergic state.  And I have finally gotten to the point where I can say with every certainty that I am NOT OK anymore.  You know how you run into people you know and they say “how are you doing today?”…and generally because you don’t want to go into your whole horrid tale you say “I’m OK.”   Well today I am saying “I am not doing well, and I am not OK, and nothing that has happened in the last 3 months has been OK!” 

I believe this is a breakthrough for me…because most of the time I just deal and don’t say anything to anyone, because in my experience no one really cares, they are just trying to make polite conversation.  We all do this, it is normal human behavior.  But today if you were to ask me I am afraid that you would get the truth…the whole horrible mess of reasons that I am sitting in this situation with hives and stress spilling from my ears.  I also have decided that there is little point in putting a patch on a wound that is still spilling fluid all over the place.  I have been patching the leaks for months now and seriously, I am so not getting anywhere.  I believe that I am going to have to wait until the pain stops before I start the bandaging process over these gaping wounds in our lives.

The wounds stand thus:  1 No mother should ever have to bury a child…least of all their youngest child, and over the last 9 months I have watched as my Grandmother and my Mother-in-law have done just that…bury their youngest children.  2  No mother should have to explain to her 4 year old little girl why she will never ever see her uncle alive…I have had many 4 year old conversations about death and dying and what it means when someone is dead.  3  Suicide is a concept that most people cringe at knowing about, and it really complicates the whole death issue.  There are always questions, always doubts, and we will always be left wondering when and why that particular decision was made.  Peace is hard to find when you are struggling with so many unanswered questions.  And finally 4, the realization that acceptance will come with time and distance is extremely difficult to deal with on a day to day basis.  The reality is that we can do nothing about what has happened to our family, but we have every right to stand up and say NO, I am NOT OK with it anymore.  I am done, I have had enough, I can’t do anymore right now.  Jasone’s birthday is on Monday, and that brings its own problems…like watching and worrying about my dear Mother-in-law.  We will celebrate with a cake and think of good things, but no amount of cake or concern is going to delete the image in my head of everyone standing around his coffin as it was lowered into the earth.  We can’t backspace and try again, this story is written and all we can do is mourn in our own time and do our best to move on from here.  In the meantime all I can say is no, I am not ok…but someday I will be.

“ I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There's nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that you would tied in
Now there's no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
'so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it's empty empty cage
And i can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people i meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did i believe this dream?
Now i can find relief
I grieve