I'm Losing...

This past month has taught me one thing:  I’m losing.  I’m losing people, I’m losing desire, and I’m losing the war.  What war you may ask; the war against Satan…the war I fight every day that my feet hit the floor in the morning.  I will admit that there are days that my feet don’t really hit the floor until the afternoon, but they do eventually.  I continue the fight and I won’t be deterred from my path, though I may hit a wall on occasion.

One Saturday morning I was eating a pancake for breakfast and lost a crown…given that I didn’t notice until later I’m making the assumption that I swallowed it.  No biggie I thought, as the dentist wanted to replace that crown anyway because he had glued the other one back on 3 times already.  I get to the dentist Monday morning to discover that I have a screw in my mouth…the dill-hole that did the root canal 8 years ago put a post in the tooth…never to be used, but there all the same.  The post had broken the roots of my tooth and so away I went to an oral surgeon to “dig it out”.  Three days later he did precisely that, and apologized the whole way through.  15 pieces and 3 stitches later I had a gaping hole and a pain in my head that still hasn’t gone away.  So I’m losing bits of myself.

A week or so later I went to my therapist for the last time because some dill-hole decided that he didn’t need to come to Hemet anymore…he has to work in Colton and nowhere else.  He discovered that the root of many of my problems is that I was tortured by a dentist when I was 9 years old…and we don’t get to try and solve this issue, because I’m losing my therapist.

Then my Angie texted me to say they have been given a chance at an apartment in Idaho earlier than anticipated and were going to take it and be gone before the end of November.  I had anticipated their moving at the end of the year because she had been accepted into a Master’s program at Boise State…but now she is going in a matter of weeks.  I am losing my Angie.

I have already lost my joy that I found at the beginning of this year, and I have been beat down so badly that I have lost my desire to have it back.  I feel stuck in this dark, hellish box…there is one small window to see what I used to have and occasionally the light of my children and family stream through, but otherwise it is dark and lonely.  My husband and I have a friend, more than a friend…he is the Godfather to our children.  I used to text him whenever I would get lonely or feel wretched, and now he is unable to text or call, and I miss him.  I refuse to lose this person, and I will fight to the death to keep him in our lives. 

I feel as though I am losing more and more each day, and November has come again, and I want to crawl into my bed and not come out until December is here.  But despite all this loss I still have several things worth fighting the war for…my son’s endless cuddles are at the top of that list.  The fact that my husband still loves me and thinks I’m attractive is another one…and watching my little star grow and learn reminds me of the way we should all live.