Abide With Me, Tis Eventide

Upon attending the adult session of Stake conference the other night, which is the first such gathering I have attended since coming home, I had a memory resurface of the beginning of my stay.  I have only flashes of memory of the first 2 days of my time there, so this is huge for me.

 (The Burden of a Responsible Man By James C. Christiansen)

Stake conference reiterated to me the realization of the profound misunderstanding of what it is to live with a mental illness in the church.  I believe so many are affected by it, but our culture would rather you don't speak of it...ever.  We, like so many others, fall prey to the suggestion of stigma.  I say that because there are some who know and want to care, but Satan whispers in their ear that where they may know a person, they cannot really trust one with a mental illness.

As I sat pondering this, wondering if I could change anyone's mind about it, the closing hymn was "Abide with me, Tis eventide".  I sat listening to the congregation sing I flashed back to laying in the hospital at lights out curled up in a ball shaking.  In my mind I was singing that hymn over and over again...pleading with my savior to abide with me.  As tears rolled down my cheek I remember how every night I could feel his tangible presence enfolding me so I could make it through the pain and anguish I was enduring.

 When my memory becomes slightly reliable I had been there two days already.  I remember the hymns running through my head, which is all I really had, because I had no access to the scriptures.  I came to understand that the Lord provides a great deal of our comfort through the people he places in our lives.  There I could not find the solace in my own mind and spirit because of all the noise in my head.  And truth be told I'm not sure if I have found that even now, 6 months out.

 

I am no longer allowed the luxury of true loneliness anymore...there are too many watching me, and so many rules to follow.  When all else fails my dog is my companion...he never leaves me alone, he is always where he can see or touch me.  Christ truly abides with me through the presence of those who love, those who stay, and those who watch.  My mother checks on me as much as I check on her.  I know when she checks to see if I am sleeping at nap time, and she is constantly monitoring my food intake.  You never stop being a momma, and when your baby is in difficulty, then so are you and you will always watch. 

When the noise in my head is loud and almost unbearable, I curl up with my dog, or my son, or my husband and the noise is gradually replaced with hymns, and I have learned to focus my mind and thoughts there.  And only when I do that does the noise quiet and become bearable.  Here’s to those who love and care, and may we cling to them for our very lives, because this is how God provides a tangible comfort in the midst of difficulty and depression.  This is truly how Jesus Christ can “Abide with Us”.

(The  Tree of Life By Mandie Manzano)