What Thanksgiving means to a non-believer

The month of November comes, my daughter’s birthday comes, my shoulders tighten and the panic attacks begin, then it comes; the never ending flow of what everyone and their monkeys uncle is grateful for.  This is the moment I start living on the edge of my seat waiting for the chips to start falling; because the chips fall every year...and they always have.  I can't think of a thanksgiving where chips haven't fallen.  The last several years I have been heavily medicated so I don't have a series of constant panic attacks.  Despite my pleading, I seem to always have to throw myself into the lion’s den, only to cower in a corner shaking until someone lets me out.

I grew up and am a part of a large family...this means that Thanksgiving equals drama; the kind that comes back and jabs you over and over again when you are least expecting it.  You get led down a road towards the belief that we are family and we love each other and we can spend a day together without blood-shed...and then it happens; drama, anger, and the memory of an elephant of every wrong that family perceives to have been committed to family.  This is a yearly cycle that never ever ends.  Then the next year you have to relive the last years drama until someone unbuttons their pants and farts...then there is a whole new set of drama to hear about because someone didn't eat someone else's whatever the hell it is.  You stuff yourself to where you are throwing up so you aren't the one accused of not eating the unidentifiable substance spoken of earlier.  It's the endless tirades of how one person prepares their turkey and why it is better than the way whoever prepared the turkey you are forcing down your gullet.  It's the "I think they should have made red Jello, not green.".  And finally who left early and the endless speculation of if they were offended or if they offended the hosts.

Ohmyfreakingosh!  Where in there is the "I'm thankful, and this is a day of thanks"?  There is no "thanksgiving", only fault finding and looking for reasons to be angry one with another.  This comes after the twenty some odd days of "today I am grateful for milk", and I'm sorry it seems hypocritical to me.  It seems to me that you should be grateful for something all the year-long, not just one month out of the year.

I am not pointing fingers, I am not making accusations, and I am not trying to offend; though I already know that there are many who will take this as some kind of direct insult on everything they believe.  I assure you that the only person I am thinking of right now is ME; I know that I am being selfish, but I also know that I am the only person that cares about how I feel about Thanksgiving.  No one else does, because I end up in that lion’s den, heavily medicated, every stinking year.  You see, how dare I opt out...I would be the endless reason for gossip and drama for 5 years.  So here I am in my revolving rung of hell with my Valium.

Needless to say I don't believe in Thanksgiving and I don't celebrate it.  People can be shocked and appalled, but I don't really care.  To me the day of Thanksgiving means my husband will get triple time and that means that we will have Christmas.  My prayer every year is that he will get an 8 hour shift that day, and then I can watch Christmas movies to my heart’s content!  I understand that there are many who profess this to be their favorite holiday, and good for you.  Like Christmas and Easter, not everyone believes the same way you do and it is impolite to force your beliefs on another person.  This is not to say that I am ungrateful, I just choose to be grateful for everything I have all year long, not just in one month.  My thankful list is ongoing all year and I read it when life seems to dump on me...perspective is everything.

I am not grateful for thanksgiving, I am grateful despite thanksgiving...and I'm good with that.