On the Threshold of Hell

To talk about the last two months is to try and put into words what it is to stand on the threshold of hell not knowing whether you will fall in or not, and the anxiety and fear and pain that accompanies that.  I’m not sure that I can even begin to describe what has happened or the extent to which it has affected me and my family.  All I know is that I must give every effort to try.

 I talked about my dad’s cat being taken and killed and its parts being left in places…what I didn’t describe was the all pain and mourning that we all went through.  I don’t think any of us comprehended why a person would do this to an animal and our shock was combined with all levels of sadness.  It’s hard enough when a cat disappears to not know what happened, but to know and see in all the gory detail is worse.  At least if you don’t know you can choose to believe that someone has him and is loving him.  Whenever I hear movement around I tend to look for him still, then the pain is fresh and new, and I mourn all over again.

I have made no secret of my dislike of Thanksgiving, and this year didn’t make my belief any better.  I had been sick the weekend before…throwing up wretchedness, then my sister without any warning and against my mother’s wishes brought another black cat.  There was much anger, screaming, crying, pain, and threats.  And it all came down to a bully and a fundamental lack of respect.  Heaven knows the confrontation has been coming for years, but none of us wanted it, yet it had to eventually happen.  By the time it was over I wanted to lie down and die…as all it really did was complicate the already raw emotional state we were all sitting in.  I had our doctor, also a friend, come and check my parents physical conditions at the end of the day because my mother was so upset she was shaking.

By the time Thanksgiving came a couple of days later and we were expected at my brother’s house I had to be medicated because I was so anxiety ridden and upset.  I received much support from my sister-in-laws, and that helped to bring a sense of strength back to my body and soul which I very much needed.  I didn’t know it then, but the 2 weeks following I had to pass 2 kidney stones, 1 on each side.  I was on pain medication consistently so that I could still function…even if it was partially.  I don’t remember much, mostly sitting in the tub, but my husband tells me I was not a nice person…to which I greatly apologized.  I do remember thinking that I was not going to make it as the 2^nd stone was going through the ureter…the pain was that bad!

This last week I have felt as though I was waking from a nightmare, a nightmare that is seemingly endless.  Last night I was unable to sleep, but when I did my dream consisted of having to live the last 2 months over and over again and I could do nothing to change it.  When I finally woke I was in so much pain emotionally that I wanted to throw up, my body isn’t taking all these things well.  We are extremely lucky to have a friend who is also our doctor, as he has been such a help to me these past 2 months.  I am very grateful to him and the support he has provided.  My husband and my parents were also beyond helpful while I was ill, they all helped take care of the children while I was barely functioning.  I am truly blessed to have these people in my life, as I would be in bad shape without them.

We did get to go see The Hobbit late last Saturday night after having a steroid shot in my groin muscle…the movie was incredible and I will be seeing it again with my mother at the end of this week for her Christmas present.  After the movie was over we had to go to our dr’s office and he gave me another shot…this time in the pelvic bone which left me screaming.  This week has been interesting to say the least, and has left me nothing short of depressed…at Christmas, my favorite holiday.  I write this praying that things will get better, that Christmas will turn out well, and that I will finally be able to heal from the great many wounds that have been inflicted upon me.  Here’s to you Brother and Savior, may you bring joy to my family this Christmas, because we desperately need it.