The Year 2012

So…a year in review…I’m not sure it is wise to review the last year, nor do I think there are words to do such, but here goes:

January brought headlice, which I fought valiantly for 6 weeks!  It was wretched, the laundry and the cleaning and the laundry and the spraying and the laundry, I think I covered that.  I also fell down our stairs and sprained my foot and ankle really bad…bringing about a long period of time on painkillers.

February brought my husband’s anniversary check and we got ourselves a new mattress and box set, the old one was poking me in the side!  We also sold the extra car we had and changed our cell phone provider so that we could afford to both get iPhones.  Our young man also turned 2 years old and we got him a giant dump truck, something every boy needs!

March I don’t remember too well…except that we saw The Lorax and The Hunger Games.

April brought Easter and one of the gifts my son got was a bright orange sticky octopus, Casey threw it at the ceiling where it stuck and has been EVER since.  I figure I will take it down next Easter in commemoration.  I also began to truly see the difference between boys and girls…and the very destructive capabilities boys have.

May began with Ryan Jr’s evaluation for a speech problem…he didn’t talk at all, and therapy started.  $60 more had to be put out every week for gas and co-payment, not really affordable, but necessary.  We also discovered fleas on Matt’s dog Buddy, so all the pets had to be bathed and the carpets sprayed.  This was also when my stomach stopped processing food…any and all food.

June brought a futon…Matt decided we needed one at the end of our bed so we had something to sit upon when we watched movies.  My birthday brought the discovery that our Xbox couldn’t play certain new games, Microsoft told me to buy a new one…NO!  Little Ryan also changed to a big boy bed, with no problems.  My diet was altered to a liquid only until the proper tests were performed to figure out the digestion problem.  My Dad also had a cardiac event which is what started the looking at his heart tests. 

July began with Casey’s swimming lessons and getting an iPad for Ryan Jr to help with his therapy.  We attempted a yard sale, which we will never do again, only made $60 which went to getting Ryan apps.  I had many tests performed on my body, including a tube into my stomach…which came back as extreme gastritis, no bacteria or cancer. 

August started with a 2 week treatment of a ton of pills a day…thankfully it worked and I was able to gradually start eating again.  Casey started the first grade and going to school all day, she loves it so much!  I also had to have a guard made for my teeth to wear at night because I was grinding my teeth.  The month ended with my Dad having a quadruple bypass…he is 74 years old.

September started with my Dad coming home with a traveling oxygen tank…and a generator at the house.  Ryan’s diagnosis was finally made…Childhood Apraxia of Speech…this is going to take a while.  We also got a letter from the City of San Jacinto telling us that our yard was in “severe disrepair” and that we needed to make it better by the middle of October or be fined.

October started with my husband’s car breaking down…discovery of a sprinkler line being broken…and 2 slipped discs in my back.  I was given more than 5 steroid shots in my back.  We celebrated our 7^th wedding anniversary and Casey lost her first tooth.  For Halloween we had a butterfly and a Thor, and a lot of fun trick or treating.

November brought Casey’s 6^th birthday, she got a scooter.  We discovered in an awful way that my Dad’s cat was murdered.  My son started refusing to take a bath and the dog was really depressed for a while.  Thanksgiving week brought the flu, my sister, and extreme mourning. 

December has consisted of 2 kidney stones, extreme pain killers, 2 shots in the pelvic region, and seeing the Hobbit twice.  We also discovered Wal Mart’s crappy attempt at layaway, which ended on the 14^th of December…really?!  We had Santa come and do his job and the kids came away happy.  Casey also lost her 2^nd tooth…and we come to the end of another year.

 As I have looked back on this year I begin to fully understand why I have come to stand on the threshold of Hell…this was a hard year for me and my family.  I have learned volumes, mainly surrounding how important it is to endure to the end while trying with all you can muster to see the positive things in your life.  I feel as though I have aged 10 years this year, and my body and mind are showing the wear.  I try even here at the end to look back and see the good things that have happened…I will admit that it is really hard for me right now, but I am trying.  The Lord has blessed us with an enormous amount of strength to go with our trials, and I can see that strength in my family.  My Dad looks better now than he has looked in 10 years, even if he does have an 18 inch scar on his chest.  My little boy is starting to say words, and my daughter is reading.  My Mom has survived waiting while the love of her life was cut open with a power tool, and she remains positive.  My husband and I have, through it all, bettered our marriage and remain deeply and may be more passionately in love than ever.  I may be standing on the threshold of Hell, but I know where I am and am stronger for it.  Here’s to Hell and life and the reality that they bring.  And here’s to the ultimate strength we have because we stand there.

On the Threshold of Hell

To talk about the last two months is to try and put into words what it is to stand on the threshold of hell not knowing whether you will fall in or not, and the anxiety and fear and pain that accompanies that.  I’m not sure that I can even begin to describe what has happened or the extent to which it has affected me and my family.  All I know is that I must give every effort to try.

 I talked about my dad’s cat being taken and killed and its parts being left in places…what I didn’t describe was the all pain and mourning that we all went through.  I don’t think any of us comprehended why a person would do this to an animal and our shock was combined with all levels of sadness.  It’s hard enough when a cat disappears to not know what happened, but to know and see in all the gory detail is worse.  At least if you don’t know you can choose to believe that someone has him and is loving him.  Whenever I hear movement around I tend to look for him still, then the pain is fresh and new, and I mourn all over again.

I have made no secret of my dislike of Thanksgiving, and this year didn’t make my belief any better.  I had been sick the weekend before…throwing up wretchedness, then my sister without any warning and against my mother’s wishes brought another black cat.  There was much anger, screaming, crying, pain, and threats.  And it all came down to a bully and a fundamental lack of respect.  Heaven knows the confrontation has been coming for years, but none of us wanted it, yet it had to eventually happen.  By the time it was over I wanted to lie down and die…as all it really did was complicate the already raw emotional state we were all sitting in.  I had our doctor, also a friend, come and check my parents physical conditions at the end of the day because my mother was so upset she was shaking.

By the time Thanksgiving came a couple of days later and we were expected at my brother’s house I had to be medicated because I was so anxiety ridden and upset.  I received much support from my sister-in-laws, and that helped to bring a sense of strength back to my body and soul which I very much needed.  I didn’t know it then, but the 2 weeks following I had to pass 2 kidney stones, 1 on each side.  I was on pain medication consistently so that I could still function…even if it was partially.  I don’t remember much, mostly sitting in the tub, but my husband tells me I was not a nice person…to which I greatly apologized.  I do remember thinking that I was not going to make it as the 2^nd stone was going through the ureter…the pain was that bad!

This last week I have felt as though I was waking from a nightmare, a nightmare that is seemingly endless.  Last night I was unable to sleep, but when I did my dream consisted of having to live the last 2 months over and over again and I could do nothing to change it.  When I finally woke I was in so much pain emotionally that I wanted to throw up, my body isn’t taking all these things well.  We are extremely lucky to have a friend who is also our doctor, as he has been such a help to me these past 2 months.  I am very grateful to him and the support he has provided.  My husband and my parents were also beyond helpful while I was ill, they all helped take care of the children while I was barely functioning.  I am truly blessed to have these people in my life, as I would be in bad shape without them.

We did get to go see The Hobbit late last Saturday night after having a steroid shot in my groin muscle…the movie was incredible and I will be seeing it again with my mother at the end of this week for her Christmas present.  After the movie was over we had to go to our dr’s office and he gave me another shot…this time in the pelvic bone which left me screaming.  This week has been interesting to say the least, and has left me nothing short of depressed…at Christmas, my favorite holiday.  I write this praying that things will get better, that Christmas will turn out well, and that I will finally be able to heal from the great many wounds that have been inflicted upon me.  Here’s to you Brother and Savior, may you bring joy to my family this Christmas, because we desperately need it.

Halloween and the events that followed…

For our family holidays tend to have a really horrible side to them…not to say all of them are bad, but I can’t say that they are all “happy times and noodle salad” either.  This Halloween followed that same tradition, and I am getting really done at this point.

Halloween morning Stinky Sox, our cat, came up missing…worry ensued as he was black and it was Halloween.  He never did return, and the day after my daughter’s birthday I found his for-paw in the park…that was 3 to 4 days later.  Then a couple days after that a neighbor a couple houses up from us found his collar and tag in her front yard by the water box…in a rock yard.  We went that way and had the kids trick or treat at her house on Halloween night and didn’t see it then…all of these things added up mean that we have some type of monster in our neighborhood, and I think it is the 2 footed kind.  Our neighborhood is suspiciously devoid of any cats…and now I know why.  The one thing I am grateful for is that my daughter, who misses her Stinky Sox terribly, didn’t see the paw.

Other than that blight Halloween went well…I had let my son’s hair grow out since the beginning of June so that he could be Thor, actually perfect given his Swedish heritage and his strawberry blonde hair.  All that time paid off beautifully, as he was a perfect Thor!  My little girl picked out a butterfly costume when we went to the store and dang she is adorable.  They had a fantastic time trick or treating and got quite a haul.

A couple of days later my baby girl turned 6 years old and got a Barbie scooter with light up wheels!  Happy girl which made me a happy mom!  And at the same time she also had her very first loose tooth which made her even happier, which at this time has been pulled out and the tooth fairy left her a dollar bill.  Which I hope is a reasonable amount given that this tooth fairy can’t afford anymore than that.

So there it is…here’s to Halloween and the Tooth Fairy…and here’s to you Stinky, may you be waiting for Dad when he gets there.  And off I go to pray that Thanksgiving comes and goes and I don’t remember any of it!

God Help the Outcasts

A week or so ago my husband and I ran off for a day of adult fun and we took our best friend with us.  He is a doctor and has been working his butt off recently, and needed to be pushed to take a break.  Well, because of phone difficulties we had a late start, but we did get gone.  Off we headed for Legoland which has become our favorite vacation getaway, with or without the children.  As we went along we discovered that our best friend Matt had had a really bad night the night before, and was hurting pretty bad emotionally.  And along with that his blood sugar was really low, and so started to pass out.  My husband drove from that point on.  We got to Oceanside and filled him full of tacos and then finally made it to the park around 1 pm.  Being a weekend in October, it was also a brick or treat day so everyone was in costume too...I had the unpleasant discovery that Dora had a baby and Swiper was the father…yes, I am still scratching my head.  Overall we had a great day even though Matt was nodding off a lot, he thanked us profusely for taking him and being such good friends.

My husband drove home and we put Matt in the backseat to sleep the whole way.  I was listening to my iPod as my husband tried to use different background noises to help Matt sleep better.  He has an app on his phone that can do any combination of noises to help a person sleep.  He tried rain first, which I told him had to stop because it was making me have to pee.  Then he went to a waterfall which wasn't much better and Matt woke up wondering where the water was spilling.  Then he moved on to the beach and the sound of waves crashing on the shore, to which I told my husband that if he woke up asking why we drove him to the beach I was gonna hit him!  Finally he settled on trains and crickets, which at least didn’t make me have to pee!

 We made it to the stretch home, Domenigoni parkway, a long stretch of nothingness that takes you right into Hemet.  On this stretch the song on my iPod was Our Town from Cars by James Taylor...and I sat looking out at the darkness of the hills around us thinking about our best friend asleep in the back.  I thought about the pain that he had been put through, I thought about when I was put through the same pain and accusations were being made about me too that were so far from reality that I was pretty sure those people didn't care about me ever.  I knew that was how he felt; I knew he was wondering how people who were supposed to be there to support him no matter what, were saying things to him like this.  I thought about nice things I could say, but I knew that it wasn't my apology that he wanted, what he wanted was to hear those people who had said all those things to him to say they were sorry...that they were wrong.  As the lyrics to the song came through I realized a truth, James Taylor sang about "our town", but to me it was "our family" and I knew that he, like me, would stay in that seemingly god-forsaken place because it’s ours.  I tend to be a mother-bear type and want to stand in front of someone I care for and beat the crap of whoever is hitting them.  I couldn't do that here; all I could do is stand by him and provide a place of safety when he needed it.

Later when he texted and thanked us for being "real" friends, all I could say was that it was the only thing we knew how to be.  What my husband and I talked about was being outcasts, cause that is what we are, a house full of outcasts.  We have all been accosted by those who profess to love and then become the outcasts of the family when we don't affirm what they are screaming to be right.

So here's to the outcasts, may we always remember to hold each other up and take care of the new ones, because they need the support that only those who have been there can give.