The In-Between

Since the hospital I divide things up in two categories; before the hospital and after the hospital.  I have noticed that as long as I don't apply before to after my life remains in check...at least for the most part.  There are routines that are set for me and have remained from before to after, like Casey’s school routine, and my cleaning routine.  But how these are accomplished has changed a lot.  My ability to focus on one task is highly diminished, and I waste a great deal of time going from one place to another with no real reason or goal in mind.  Someone will ask me what I am doing..."well it is Monday so I am cleaning Casey's room"...oh, so why do you have comet and a toilet brush and you are standing in the loft?  I remember starting to clean her room, but I haven't the foggiest how I ended up in this situation, but I am sure there has to be a logical chain of events that lead me here now.

I am already aware that I am broken, in pieces on the floor, but I can't be a cup anymore...I have to learn to be something new.  I know in my heart that God is attempting to form me into Royal Doulton, but my mind keeps screaming "WHY?!  I was just fine being the ceramic coffee cup!"  And this learning to live again is killing me.  This is not the first time that I have had to relearn how to live, and had to walk away from the wreckage and not look back.  I didn't have anything to look back and weep for then, but now I do.  My family has happily placed themselves next to me ready to get moving forward again, while I cast my eyes behind to see a woman weeping over a broken coffee cup.  I can't go back to her and she can't come forward to me, and it becomes the parting scene between Kirk and Spock.  "The ship out of danger?...yes, you saved the ship!  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one.  I have been and always shall be your friend...live long and prosper".  And I watch as she picks up those chunky pieces that were once a well-worn cup and walk away where I can no longer go.  All I want are those pieces back, because I'm sure that with enough of the right glue they will stay together without breaking again and again.  My heart tells me what I know to be true, put that cup back together, but I really want to try!

I feel caught between the new and the old, and I'm frustrated about this.  I'm anxiety ridden with panic attacks when I pee, and I quickly become impatient.  I have a handful of pills to take in the morning, a handful of pills to take at night, and Valium to carry with me.  My life has become an in-between; I'm caught and can't get out.  I want so badly to go back to being happy and loving what I do, but the hospital changed me.  Satan broke what I loved into little pieces and continues to mock my loss.  God spent 5 days reforming what was broken, but I'm still learning how to be what I am now.  I was reformed in love; complete and total unconditional love...without interruption or distraction.  I know God made me stronger, but I suppose any gain must come with a loss.

I can say that I have become content and resigned to losing everything I knew before.  I feel uneasy and unsure, but I am content to be what God has made me.  I live my life with a dog at my side and usually some form of chaos around me.  I take breaks, I breathe, and I am.  People ask how I am doing...I'm not too sure, but I know I am alive and I'm content to be that for now.  I try to immerse myself in what is around me, in my responsibility...my house and my children and my parents.  In that immersion there is a form of peace, it is quiet and fleeting, but it is there.  I cherish the small moments; like my son sleeping on me and drooling into my cleavage at my nephew’s baptism. My husband laughed at me and smiled.  I watch my daughter dance, and learn, and fight to survive.  I would be better to take a page out of her book:  she dances without a care, and she is in a constant state of learning, open to new things, without prejudice or expectation.  And she fights; fights to live, fights convention, and fights restraint.  She will stand right at the front of the battle our children will have against Satan.

Here's to the in-betweens, here's to learning to live again, and here's to walking into the future with hope.  May we all learn to be content with where we are and what we have.