Growing Up

This last year I had something happen to me that had changed my whole existence.  It took me a while to discover what this change would come to mean in my life and my personality.  It was about 6 months ago that I walked by the mirror in my bathroom and glanced at myself walking by.  I discovered very quickly that I appeared different to myself…I discovered that I had grown up.  I dropped everything and had to look closer to find out I was wrong…damn it please let it be wrong…I don’t want to grow up!  Upon further and deeper examination I discovered that my passing observation was indeed accurate…I have grown up.  I couldn’t even begin to understand how to make it stop…or how to reverse the damage that had already been done.  This is when I entered a spiraling depression and a journey to discover not only how this had happened, but also how would I get back that which I had lost.  There was a part of me that was gone…I could see it missing…and I wanted it back!

After months of soul-searching contemplation, I made the discovery, an enormous life altering discovery of happiness.  Suddenly, despite physical difficulties, I started to enjoy the mundane daily tasks of life…cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floors, and making the beds.  I stopped hating it, I stopped fighting it, and I started taking pride in it.  I have voices in my head, I think we all do, and for those of us who are women that main voice that we hear almost constantly is our mother.  I also have 2 older sisters who scream at me often when I get close to doing things the way mom would have done them.  It can actually be quite frustrating and angering, not to mention depressing.

I believe my discovery of contentment and happiness came when I made peace with these conflicting voices doing battle in my head.  I have always wanted to be like my mother, I wanted to be as nice and kind and loving a woman and a mother that she has always been.  I am in no way saying that she doesn’t have flaws, because all of us as human beings are flawed.  But my mom was and is a great mom and grandmother, and I am left asking myself why doing things like her would be a bad thing.  Why should my sisters be screaming in my head that “you’re becoming like mom!”, like it is a bad thing.  I have finally come to the realization that I don’t care that I am doing things like mom!

 For example, I have for all of my life adamantly refused to make my bed each morning…I think now it was some form of protest…I rationalized in my head that it was a complete waste of time as I would only get into it again and mess it up at the end of the day.  My mother used to have us make our beds before we went to school each morning.  I found myself over the last few weeks doing just this…and I love it!  When I first realized what I was doing my sister’s voice screamed at me once again that I was becoming mom, but this time I screamed back “I don’t care!” 

I fought on principle; I wanted to prove that I could do it right and not the way my mother did it.  Now I have come to the understanding that it was just stupid.  If it works and it makes you happy then why fight it; why continue making ourselves miserable and angry and frustrated in a mis-guided attempt at making a statement?  I have never in my life felt this happy and free.  I don’t care if I am doing things the way mom did them…I am choosing to see it as I have finally discovered that my mother did it right all those years and tried to teach me, heaven knows it took me long enough to learn it!  This is such a freeing experience for me, and has given me a new way to look at my growing up.  I don’t mind it anymore because I am free and happy, I love making my bed each morning and seeing it look nice and clean.  I love taking care of my house and making it the pride of my life.  I have found a new joy in making things in the kitchen as well…so if this is growing up then I am loving it.

Here’s to growing up, here’s to the discovery of happiness, and here’s to making your bed…may we all make peace with the voices in our heads and discover the happiness found when our internal conflicts have come to an end.