On the Occasion of my 40th Birthday

List 20 random facts about yourself: 

 

      1. I have a lifetime pass to Legoland.   2. I like to drive fast.  3. I'm an addict.  4. I love all things Disney.  5. I love toys, especially small ones.  6. I am a speed reader and will read almost anything once.  7. I love Mountain Dew and Iced Tea.  8. I have a service dog, my mental health companion.   9. I have a collection of McDonalds' toys and glasses.  10. I love tv and movies, I will watch almost anything once.   11. When I die I want daisies to be buried on my grave so that when I rise in the resurrection the first thing I see will be the undersides of daisies. 12. My 1 question for God:  did Adam and Eve have belly buttons? 13. My hands shake constantly and there are only 2 things that can make it stop, neither of which are the best solutions. 14. My husband and I play Magic The Gathering. 15. I have a 15 pound weighted blanket...I love it and call it blanket land. 16. I have 2 tattoos; both semicolon based. 17. I have an L4-L5 disc rupture and I live in constant pain. 18. I love video games. 19. I have an Italian daughter.  20. I play Dungeons & Dragons.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and and explain how they became fears: 

 

Mice, I don't know how it became a fear but I will literally leave the house if there is one in it.  I am afraid of falling, not heights, just falling.  I am terrified of the dentist.  I was a child when my front tooth got broken, the dentist doing the repair was unable to get it completely numb and so screamed and threatened me, then proceeded to drill on the open nerve with me screaming until I passed out from the amount of pain I was in.  To this day I have to be almost falling down drunk with Valium just to get me in a dental office.

 Describe your relationship with your parents:

I would say pretty good...They are both still alive and living downstairs in our home; and love abounds!

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could:

      1.      Spend way more time in Huntington Beach, there is a red head there that is so worth your time!  2. The drink won't take the pain away, and the numbing effect will only lasts so long.  3. The sex may be fun, but it effects more than just you.  4. Remember your mother, always.  5. You can't drown yourself in a tub, the body’s built in will to survive is too strong.  6. In 2 weeks you will crash and burn because your body can't go any longer without sleep, no matter what you take.  7. Remember the wrestler, spend more time with him...he was fun.  8. Guys dig the 'stang, learn way more about it so you aren't just a skinny blonde in the 'stang, you know about it too!  9. Don't trust her, she will betray your trust so badly that it will feel as though your heart were ripped out through your back, with rusty spoons. 10. Take the therapy, get better, heal from it.

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now:

My family, Streaming tv, my meds, coloring, & Barkley & Belle.

What is the hardest thing you have experienced: 

The leadership in my ward came after my kids...I nearly killed myself because how do you choose between your religion and the safety of your children.

 What is your dream job and why:  

Ok, so there are 2 things I would really want to do:  1-a psychological test administrator, cause I love doing fun things like finding out things about people that they didn't know about themselves!  Or 2- I want to work at a video game store so I can get great discounts on games.  So yeah either would be uber fun for me.

What are 5 passions you have:

Art in all its forms, music, mental health/ suicide awareness, the newborn screening, & Freedom. 

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how:  

      1.      My mother in every way possible: how to be a mom and a good person.  2. My Granny: how to survive and be a real stand up woman.  3. My Dad:  taught me to always tell the truth and stand up for those who can't on their own.   4. Mickey Holmgren taught me that friendship depends on loyalty, not having things in common.  5. Bishop Rich Boden taught me how God loves, that I am always worthy of that love, and how to use Christ's atonement to become clean in the process of repentance.  6. Lowell Wayment taught me that we choose our family, and when we choose to be a part of each other's family...loyalty means more than anything else.  7. My husband Ryane taught me patience and that sarcasm has no place in a marriage.  8. Casey taught me that I have no control at all...not as a parent or as a human being.  9. Matt Wayment taught me that loyalty in friendship and family is complete, no matter what, and no matter why.  No questions asked, loyalties and secrets are held in confidence to death and beyond.  10. And she who must not be named taught me that when loyalty is broken the pain is worse than any physical pain the body can endure.  When trust is broken by way of false and malicious rumor it can never be repaired...and a 20+ year friendship becomes just more wood that burns with the bridge that I torched and happily walked away from.

    Describe your most embarrassing moment:  

Umpteen years of therapy have erased all these moments from my memories, but I'm sure I was both drunk and high at some point, and as has been pointed out to me drunk people are a hoot!

Describe 10 pet peeves you have:  

      1.      People who think depression is just a state of mind that you can walk in the woods to get rid of. 2. Judgey people. 3. People accusing me of things that I didn't do.  4. Asking me questions in the middle of a movie or a tv show. 5. Asking me if I'm mad over and over and over until I get mad. 6. Ignorance for the sake of the "political party". 7. People who question my honesty/integrity. 8. People who hate the poor. 9. When Kodi freezes and kicks me out when I am in the middle of a show.  10. A child that wakes me just when I fall asleep. 

Describe a typical day in your current life:

I get up early and get Casey ready and off to school, then I go back to bed, I get up a little later, eat, go get my kids from school, watch some tv, eat, do homework with Casey, more tv, I read to Casey, put kids in bed, lots more tv, and then bed for us.

    Describe 5 weaknesses you have:  

I am an addict, I am impatient, I tend to tell people the truth, I am really mean when someone makes me mad, and I am sarcastic when I shouldn’t be.

    Describe 5 strengths you have:  

Seeing people for who they are, empathy, a good listener, I am way laid back, and my ability to express myself.  

 If you were an animal, what would it be and why:

A bear because I will always respond as a mother bear to anything and everything thrown at me or to anyone who comes at me.  I will make the ground shake and walls tremble if someone hurts or comes between me and my children.  And heaven help the person who doesn’t flee my wrath, because I will rip them to shreds…small pieces that I will chew up and spit out as I walk away.

    What are your 5 greatest accomplishments:

Casey, Ryan, Matthew, A Bachelors degree in psychology, and my 12 year marriage.

    What is the thing you most wish you were great at: 

Being a mother

    What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive:

A complete betrayal of trust, and hurting my children.

    If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why:  

Wherever I am right now because if you constantly wish you are somewhere else then you can never allow yourself to be happy and enjoy where you are.  You will never see the beauty of where you currently live if you are constantly wishing you are somewhere else.

    Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood:  

The most significant memories that I can actually remember from childhood are not ones I want to talk about.  They are painful and life changing, but they are also not...so yeah.

    If you could have 1 super power, what would it be and why: 

Telepathy…like Professor X.  That one took me way too long to decide on.

    Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 15years :  

I don't look that far ahead.  When you go through therapy you learn to live in the moment, for today and today only.  So 45, 50, and 55…yay!!

    List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them:  

1.      I freaking love coloring...it creates zen in my world.  2. I love cross-stitching...because I can take something that most people overlook and make it into art.  3. Watching tv, because it’s all so simple somehow. 4. Gaming, lots of gaming. 5. Writing  

    Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now:  

My siblings were douchebags that used to throw me around because I was the youngest and smallest.  Now most of my siblings are still douchebags, but now I straight up tell them that and they leave me alone mostly...it's fun to be educated and younger than all of their old sorry asses!

    If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat:  

Here is the problem with historical figures, when you view them through the eyes of history they look awesome and we put them on pedestals.  Unfortunately when we look back we already know what they accomplished, but if we sat down and had dinner with whatever person it is, odds are that they haven’t accomplished half of what made them so awesome that probably didn’t come to fruition until after they were dead anyway.   So I guess I don’t really have an answer to this question.

    What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong:  

That the world is going to hell, and that we live in the worst time in history.  There are so many great things going on right now in the world, and watching people all over the world discover that love is such a wonderful thing is one of them.

    What is your favorite part of your body and why:  

My boobs...I love my boobs...I love most boobs actually.  Except itty bitty boobies...there is nothing to hold onto.  Everyone should have boobs...boobs are awesome!!  I am not kidding.

    What is your love language:

I'm unclear what a love language is...I will look this up:  Right, so I took a test, apparently my "love language" is quality time.  Which after reading it makes me go DUH!!!  It seems to me after being married for 12 years that if quality time isn't a regular part of your marriage...like weekly, then you won't be spending any time with said person for very long.  That is simple psychology 101.

    What do you think people misunderstand most about you:  

That I am arrogant:  I don't like talking about stupid things like the weather, I don't like when people ask me stupid questions and expect me to lie to them...I don't lie.  I'm an empath, I have the gift of discernment, and I have a degree in psychology...I am a human lie detector and lies make me physically ill.  I can see a lie; it is written all over a person's face, it's in the way they move, the way they speak, and it is evident in phone calls too.  Politeness is one thing, a lie is altogether something else, and for me it is a reason for trust to be removed and never put in a person again.  I cannot tolerate lies, this will never change.

    List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for:  

1.      My love of others. 2. The fact that I always told the truth...even if it irritated people. 3. That I stood up for those with mental illness. 4. How much I loved my children and fought for them. 5. That I am a good listener. 6.  My sense of humor. 7. My enormous amount of toys.  8. A piece of work that I have done.  9.  That I was fun to do things with.  10.  That I am a lover of art, and the finer things. 

    The next 10 will be favorites, things that you don't normally hear about:  

1:  Favorite smell; cucumber melon and my babies.  I routinely smell my children to be sure they are still mine. 

 2:  Favorite place to be touched; the small of my back when my sensation is good.  

 3:  Favorite eye candy; art masterpieces…Van Gogh and Picasso are a few of my favorite things!!  4:  Favorite superhero; Wonder Woman…ever since I was a little girl watching Linda Carter in her invisible jet to watching that horrific Batman Vs Superman just to get a sneak peak at her.  

 5:  Favorite kind of chips; BBQ.  

 6:  Favorite app; Disney’s Magic Kingdoms…I have been playing this game for a long time and I have spent real and serious money on this, you see I have this overwhelming desire to have all the characters.   

7:  Favorite flavor; Orange.  

 8:  Favorite Cartoon; Thundercats ’83 was by far the best version, however I greatly enjoyed the background the new cartoon gave on the story.  Also Voltron ’84 because you can’t do better than the original in this case.  I have and do watch the Netflix reboot, and though I cannot forgive the pilot confusion and gender bending and additional weaponry (hello shoulder cannon?), I much enjoy the added humor…”hello nice cow, please give me a milk shake?”. 

 9:  Favorite Disney character; I have always preferred the villains…so Prince John, Madam Mim, Maleficent, Shere khan, and Cruella DeVille.  I probably identify more with a villain and less with the princess.  Although my favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid and Ariel is great, I still love Ursula better.  

 10:  Favorite Quote;  “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” –Mother Theresa

If you think that I didn't plan that quote at the end, then you don't know me at all.  I make no secret of who I am or where I have been...I am by no means perfect.  I didn't come from perfect and I am certainly NOT raising perfect, and I put up no illusions.  I have almost slit my wrists more than a few times in my life, but I have always made the hard choice and stayed.  I live in the moment and every moment to its fullest, and my babies are my everything and more.  I will never apologize for who I am or what I stand for...and I will end you if you come at my cubs, that is not a threat...that is a promise.  My children are learning to make their own decisions and reap their own consequences, don't ever look to me to tell them what to choose when they are perfectly capable.  Choice is a God-given right...I am not God and I will not take that away.

5 Years...Everybody Knows

Yesterday was 5 years to the day that I was released from the psych hospital in San Diego...5 years.  Many of you will be wondering what is the significance of this year over all the rest.  Others will be like "I'm tired of hearing about it".  But there will be a few who will understand, especially given what going went on yesterday across this country, why this fifth year is so important.  

Having been brought in on a California 5150 hold, I have been on a watch and do not sell to list for the last 5 years, meaning I was unable to purchase, own, or use any type of firearm.  Please hold your outrage...I loathe guns, any and all guns.  I have never met a gun I want to touch, so really this has only been inconvenient for my husband who has owned a gun from before we were married; he has had to made sure the weapon has been secured where I cannot get to it for the last 5 years...not really an issue as he has never even fired it.  

I have been asked multiple times over the last 5 years how I feel about this California law, if I feel my rights are in any way "infringed".  I have never once felt that way, though others have been sure to tell me how I should feel.  I have had members of my family tell me that the whole idea of that is outrageous...I'm not sure if they want their suicidal family member to have a gun with which to shoot themselves.  I will choose to believe they didn't think it through when they said it.  Not that it really matters with me anyway, my ideation has never involved guns.  But this is not a post about gun control or school violence...this is about the last 5 years of my life.

The fifth year is important because as far as all my medical records go this is the big woo hoo moment.  She made it 5 years without landing back in this ward...the therapy worked...the meds are working.  This is a success story.  There are some things you need to know from me, the person who is living it.  Yes, this is a success story and I'm happy to be alive...most days.  The therapy and meds did and most importantly, continue to work every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year...one moment at a time.  Recovery takes time and there is no reason to rush it.

I have had multiple depressive episodes in the last 5 years.  I also had another baby so I have also endured another bought of post-partum depression.  I had to start and stop my meds in that time frame...because of having been pregnant.  I have also had 1 close attempt in September of last year, but I have already spoken of that.  So in order to stay out of the hospital I have a very good doctor and when needed a very good therapist.  My dr has been there when I needed my meds adjusted, and I have employed the therapist when I have had things come up that I needed extra help with.

But the one thing that I want to talk about more than anything else is my choice to be open and honest about what I did, where I was, and what my illnesses are.  This was the choice that really changed everything, not just for me but for my family as well.  This is the choice that all of us have to make...do we stay silent or do we allow others to know?  Staying silent protects us and those close to us, but it means that you live every moment with a hell of a secret that will eat away at you and will eventually pop out when you least expect it.  Or you do what I did and you own it and you stand up and you talk about it so that others can also have strength to get help.  

I will never tell you that I regret my decision, but I will tell you that it takes its toll.  When everybody knows that you are mentally ill...sometimes your siblings don't appreciate that.  I had one not acknowledge me for years after I got out.  When everybody knows what you did...some people won't come near you, which is not always a bad thing.  When everybody knows some people will lecture you on what you shouldn't say and especially when and where you shouldn't say it...like your admittance into the psych ward suddenly dropped your age to 16.  When everybody knows some people love to give advice.  Have you tried eating healthy foods?  Perhaps you don't pray and read your scriptures on a regular basis?  May be when you can you should go to the temple more often.  You have a beautiful family, you have no reason to feel this way, snap out of it.  Happiness is a choice, and you are just making the wrong choice.  And when everybody knows then some people treat your children poorly because obviously they must have the same "thing" you have...

"Suicidal" and "suicidal ideation" are not a diagnosis.  No one can be diagnosed as suicidal.  Those are symptoms of a real problem...a cry for help, or the brain and body screaming that it is no longer able to process, not just the information going inside, but also the information that is coming at it.  It can be situational, it can be physical, or it can be psychological.  The reason I chose for everyone to know is for the person who has all 3...because that is how I ended up on a 5150 hold in fear for my life.  I have no shame, and I will continue to fight in the open because there are so many who can't.  When everybody knows some people will stand beside you, behind you, and all around you quietly sharing their appreciation for your strength and bravery.  It is all of you who give me that ability.  It is all of you who keep me fighting.  And it is all of you that inspires me to stand against the winds of adversity.  Thank you to all of you, it means the world to me.

Last Year

In August a few things were said to me:  first that my 2 year old was not as important as the activity day girls in our ward; and second that I am not teaching my daughter adequate coping skills for both her depression and anxiety.  Why was I told this...why did they come at me...because my daughter can't sit still in primary sharing time.  As I have instructed her to do, she got up and walked around when she started having an anxiety problem...in the back of the room of course.  But here's where the story starts to stink like crap:  when I got to the primary room my daughter was cornered on the floor in the fetal position sobbing with 2 people leaning down over her.  So, apparently not sitting pretty has become a sin, and such a sin that we should corner children and make them cry.  I'm not sure when this happened, but hey come at my kid...that's a really good idea.  I was told all this by a person in a position of leadership in the primary at church...of course it was the same person leaning over my baby girl as I walked in the door.

Before this I had to deal with being told that my son is of no importance at all...My 2 year old was the only child in the nursery, and so apparently he doesn't deserve to have a teacher, let alone a nursery leader.  At the same time activity days (where the nursery teacher he had was pulled in order to go) must need several, because there were already multiple called to do that job.  So, after 9 pm on a Sunday night  I was called to hear the above mentioned lecture...needless to say I was fed up.  But I listened silently for 20 to 30 minutes before she said something truly stupid enough to prompt mother bear's anger.

As she came at my cub, this mother bear turned, very angry, raised on her haunches and ripped her throat out.  This, for me, was the most reasonable response that I could muster.  Honestly this, to me, seems the most reasonable response any mother could muster if you really think about it.

My first reaction to what happened was anger, more than anger; rage, and a seething rage at that.  I was readying my battle paint and getting ready to scream:  "Cry havoc!  Let slip the dogs of war."  At the same time I was in full mother bear mode and that meant no one came within proximity to the kids that I wasn't ok with.  We circled the wagons and hunkered down, as I stood out front growling, drooling, and spitting...and I swiped my claws at anyone who came near enough to take one in the side.  And as a mother bear I am merciless when the attack begins and my growl is mighty.

In the meantime I hit rock bottom then sunk ten floors below that.  My depression was slipping out of control...this was becoming more than an episode, I was starting to exhibit suicidal behaviors.  At the same time my anxiety level was into the stratosphere and was beyond out of control as well.  I was unable to leave the house, and rarely out of my bed.  I stopped eating, and for the first time in almost 5 years I wanted to take the Haldol shot and go back to the hospital in San Diego.  I longed for the orange walls and 15 minute bed checks...I wanted them to take away my pens and forks and hair clips and pants ties.  I wanted to have to prove I took my meds morning, noon, and night. What I longed to feel was safe from myself, but I wasn't...I was left here imagining putting a knife to my wrists again.  Every time I closed my eyes...this was my hell cycle, and I lived it over and over again.  For future reference, this is what losing your religion looks like...when the the mom's prime directive to keep their children from all harm is in direct conflict with her religion.  Church was no longer a safe place for my children to be...thus where do I go from here?

As the months came to a close and the decision to go back in that building came closer my anxiety kicked into full panic mode.  I didn't want to have anything to do with those people ever again...as it had been made very clear to me that it was inconsequential to them if I lived or died.  But here's where the rubber hits the road:  We have an 11 year old girl, an almost 8 year old little man getting ready for baptism, and a 3 year old terrorist that is way not ready to be sitting in primary.  But hey, maybe screaming at the leaders and making fart sounds with his brother will work for for them...it sure makes me laugh.

I'm used to people in the church coming at me, hell I've almost been inoculated against that.  But what I did not see coming and what no mother really prepares for is someone coming at her kids, or trying to get at her through her children. Or worst yet someone, an adult in the church just plain picking out your primary aged child to bully.  Even one who is supposed to understand the difficulties that your child has and claims to care. 

We live in a time where children are different, and these difficulties that they have from birth give them a natural ability to follow the prophets commands for the generations of today.  These children have no prejudice or intolerance in them, and the only way they learn it is if we, as their parents, are so arrogant in our belief and intolerance to teach it to them.  I think God would ask us why we did that, I really do.  They have the most glorious ability to love the way Christ loves, to see everyone the way Christ does, and to act and react the way Christ does...why do so many of us have an urgent desire to teach that out of them.  We are often told in the scriptures to be as little children...is this perhaps a moment in time where we would do well to learn from our children rather than spending so much time "protecting them" by teaching the love right out of them.  Maybe, just maybe, we should stop controlling them; instead support what they do and "marvel at their accomplishments".  I think they have been sent to teach us this time; and just as when the Lord taught on the steps of the temple at age 12...maybe we should stop and listen.  May be, just may be we should stick our pride in a drawer, lock it there, and throw away the key.  Then we can be open to being humble and teachable...by our own children.  We can't teach love when we have any amount of hate, or intolerance in our hearts...you can't teach love if you don't know how to love, or even what love is.  How about we not corrupt those who can help us see God in all his glory.  How about we worry more about protecting our children from anyone who would teach them hate and intolerance...let only love cross our lips.

What is a Mother Bear...

When I was a young child I grew up in a forest.  And with that came various warnings and protections that my mother taught me...such as when you are walking down the road from the bus during the spring you sing a song at the top of your lungs so that the hunters don't shoot you.  But the one that has stuck with me since she said it to me was that I was never to get in between a mother bear and her cub, and if I was ever unfortunate or stupid enough to have this happen, that mother bear would make dog food out of me.

As I have grown and we moved out of the forest I came to understand that mother bears don't only exist in forests.  I have watched my own mother and other mothers, and now that I am a mother of 3, I understand in living color what a mother bear truly is. 

Upon researching this and having lived in the Pacific Northwest I know that there are only 2 bears that will actually eat human flesh; a polar bear and a grizzly bear.  Other bears will simply play with you until you stop moving and wish they would just eat you...kind of like the way a cat plays with a mouse but doesn't actually kill it because it stopped being fun. 

Here's what I'm saying in simple terms...every mother, whether human or not, knows what it is to become like a mother bear.  I have told my children for years that all they had to do is tell me who hurt them and I will "eat their face".  When Bianca was with us I told her the same thing because it is the only type of mother I know how to be.  Many people have noticed this about me...I tend to get really growly when my children have been hurt, ignored, or in anyway treated less than respectful.  And heaven only help the person who makes one of my cubs cry...it is then that people tend to feel my claws and teeth...and I am merciless in my attack.  But what many don't know is that this mother bear has quite a lot as far as self restraint goes...most of the time a person has to work hard to provoke momma bear. 

For example, a person telling me how to parent one of my children because they think they know better than I.  Telling me that I should be teaching coping skills because my daughter "can't be like this for the rest of her life"...when she deals daily with anxiety and depression.  And those don't even begin to cover the physical problems she has and has had all her life.  I live with these things daily myself, I even had a breakdown, and because she acts differently than someone else's child she has to change because she is the problem.  If you have never had anxiety or a panic attack, it is probably best not to tell someone who has and does on a regular basis how to cope with one. Momma bear is starting to growl under her breath and sits back on her haunches, all the while internalizing what's been said and waiting and hoping it will pass.

Now when this happened I had already remained silent for more than 20 min of the person saying things about my child.  2 weeks previous I had been told that my son was not a priority, you see he is the only child his age...this apparently makes him inconvenient.  Momma bear didn't eat anyone then...I growled to myself and left it alone, avoiding this person so that I could potentially keep Momma Bear in check.  I can't keep that bear under control when you keep at my kids...perhaps if you see my children as a problem then maybe you are not equipped to do your job. 

Now what happens when you corner someone and start poking them...and what happens when that person is a woman and a mother...and you are poking them about their children...and they have already internalized previous pokes.  I will tell you that Momma bear can only take so much, and if she's been cornered she will be ruthless in her attack when her limit has been reached.

With me at the moment I probably won't eat you, but you definitely don't want to get me to the point where you are nearly lifeless and I start playing with you.  I can be really mean...and insulting...and with the education that I have, I have no mercy on people stupid enough to try and poke me again after I have started walking away.    The logical course of action is to lay still and lifeless until momma bear gets done, and when she starts to leave, stay silent and thank God she decided not to play with you.  You prove your stupidity when you get up and say "hey big bear who just attacked me, I'm still alive and I haven't been attacked enough".  For example, when a momma bear screams at you that she is done and hangs up the phone after having told you where to put your opinions...don't call back 2 more times to get screeched at again.  I mean good grief, you have clearly pissed her off...so yeah call back and see if you can't make her angrier.

Now, I'm sure you all understand that I am the Momma bear by every definition that you use.  If I had a Patronus it would be a very large bear.  I have always loved bears, they are my favorite animal...being Native American I would say that is my spirit animal.  I was born to be what I am, a mother.  I have literally given everything for my children...I am now permanently disabled because of the birth of my youngest.  They are my entire life, my motivation, and my heartbeat.  So if you get in between this mother bear and her cubs, being made into dog food would be merciful.

This one is for all of you "momma bears" out there...there is nothing wrong with protecting your young.