5 Years...Everybody Knows

Yesterday was 5 years to the day that I was released from the psych hospital in San Diego...5 years.  Many of you will be wondering what is the significance of this year over all the rest.  Others will be like "I'm tired of hearing about it".  But there will be a few who will understand, especially given what going went on yesterday across this country, why this fifth year is so important.  

Having been brought in on a California 5150 hold, I have been on a watch and do not sell to list for the last 5 years, meaning I was unable to purchase, own, or use any type of firearm.  Please hold your outrage...I loathe guns, any and all guns.  I have never met a gun I want to touch, so really this has only been inconvenient for my husband who has owned a gun from before we were married; he has had to made sure the weapon has been secured where I cannot get to it for the last 5 years...not really an issue as he has never even fired it.  

I have been asked multiple times over the last 5 years how I feel about this California law, if I feel my rights are in any way "infringed".  I have never once felt that way, though others have been sure to tell me how I should feel.  I have had members of my family tell me that the whole idea of that is outrageous...I'm not sure if they want their suicidal family member to have a gun with which to shoot themselves.  I will choose to believe they didn't think it through when they said it.  Not that it really matters with me anyway, my ideation has never involved guns.  But this is not a post about gun control or school violence...this is about the last 5 years of my life.

The fifth year is important because as far as all my medical records go this is the big woo hoo moment.  She made it 5 years without landing back in this ward...the therapy worked...the meds are working.  This is a success story.  There are some things you need to know from me, the person who is living it.  Yes, this is a success story and I'm happy to be alive...most days.  The therapy and meds did and most importantly, continue to work every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year...one moment at a time.  Recovery takes time and there is no reason to rush it.

I have had multiple depressive episodes in the last 5 years.  I also had another baby so I have also endured another bought of post-partum depression.  I had to start and stop my meds in that time frame...because of having been pregnant.  I have also had 1 close attempt in September of last year, but I have already spoken of that.  So in order to stay out of the hospital I have a very good doctor and when needed a very good therapist.  My dr has been there when I needed my meds adjusted, and I have employed the therapist when I have had things come up that I needed extra help with.

But the one thing that I want to talk about more than anything else is my choice to be open and honest about what I did, where I was, and what my illnesses are.  This was the choice that really changed everything, not just for me but for my family as well.  This is the choice that all of us have to make...do we stay silent or do we allow others to know?  Staying silent protects us and those close to us, but it means that you live every moment with a hell of a secret that will eat away at you and will eventually pop out when you least expect it.  Or you do what I did and you own it and you stand up and you talk about it so that others can also have strength to get help.  

I will never tell you that I regret my decision, but I will tell you that it takes its toll.  When everybody knows that you are mentally ill...sometimes your siblings don't appreciate that.  I had one not acknowledge me for years after I got out.  When everybody knows what you did...some people won't come near you, which is not always a bad thing.  When everybody knows some people will lecture you on what you shouldn't say and especially when and where you shouldn't say it...like your admittance into the psych ward suddenly dropped your age to 16.  When everybody knows some people love to give advice.  Have you tried eating healthy foods?  Perhaps you don't pray and read your scriptures on a regular basis?  May be when you can you should go to the temple more often.  You have a beautiful family, you have no reason to feel this way, snap out of it.  Happiness is a choice, and you are just making the wrong choice.  And when everybody knows then some people treat your children poorly because obviously they must have the same "thing" you have...

"Suicidal" and "suicidal ideation" are not a diagnosis.  No one can be diagnosed as suicidal.  Those are symptoms of a real problem...a cry for help, or the brain and body screaming that it is no longer able to process, not just the information going inside, but also the information that is coming at it.  It can be situational, it can be physical, or it can be psychological.  The reason I chose for everyone to know is for the person who has all 3...because that is how I ended up on a 5150 hold in fear for my life.  I have no shame, and I will continue to fight in the open because there are so many who can't.  When everybody knows some people will stand beside you, behind you, and all around you quietly sharing their appreciation for your strength and bravery.  It is all of you who give me that ability.  It is all of you who keep me fighting.  And it is all of you that inspires me to stand against the winds of adversity.  Thank you to all of you, it means the world to me.