1 Year of Sanity

It has been 1 year since I was transported to the hospital in San Diego to spend 5 days under lock and key.  I have been sane for 1 year now and I'm both proud and grateful for it.  I did it. I made it a year!  This has caused me to reflect and almost relive my time there.  I can still smell it, I still feel her wind in my hair, and I resort to the schedule I had all the time.

I get up each day and take inventory of myself.  What's my number, what am I grateful for, and what is my goal for the day.  It brings me back to the moment and refocuses my mind on what is really important in my life.  I have realized over the past year that even the smallest goals count toward a day of accomplishment.  I do what I can do each day, and if I can't then there is always tomorrow. If you start the day by putting pressure on yourself then you will end the day dissatisfied and frustrated, and discouraged to start a new day.

I have bad days.  My people know that I have bad days, they are ok with it and so am I.  When I came home last year my kids and I had a talk about what happens when mom has a bad day.  They come in and kiss me on the head and tell me they love me, and we start new again tomorrow.

I have good days too, days where I get up and get dressed and know exactly what I will accomplish that day, and I get it done and have plenty of time to do the fun things like watch a tv show or do a craft.  These are the days where I go to bed feeling great and looking forward to the next day.  These are the days when there is not enough time to get everything done that I would love to do.  These are the days my kids live for.

My cycle is around 7 days...I go up for a day or two, I level off for around 3 to 4 days, and I come down for 1 to 2 days...then I level off again.  I'm told that my ups are a hypo-mania state, where I do silly things like buy my dog a raincoat.  (In my defense he is mr prissy-paws and it was raining.) My lows usually mean I get out of bed to pee then move to the couch and crawl under a blanket to spend the day watching tv with my boy.

Others who have no idea what it is to have what I have would say that I am wasting away and haven't accomplished anything this last 12 months.  To you I say this:  I have accomplished something, and if nothing else...I will no longer be silent!  That fear that I had before, that made me hide behind the "I'm fine" mask is no longer there.  I had a ritualistic burning of that mask in the interest of my future sanity, and I will NEVER be silenced by another person's stupid arrogance again!  And you better believe that I will not stand by and watch as someone else shrinks behind that mask in fear of another person’s judgment.  I'm not ashamed to live with mental illness anymore, for me it is a badge of honor and I wear it without fear.  I have what some will never have; the sure knowledge that I am enough just the way I am!  His grace is sufficient, and I have achieved a level of peace in my life that I wish everyone could have.

My name is Cristy.  I had a severe mental breakdown 1 year ago.  I spent 5 days in a psychiatric hospital.  I live with mental illness every second of everyday.  I know the love of God.  I know how to love.  And I love me.  I LOVE ME.