It has been 1 year since I was transported to the hospital
in San Diego to spend 5 days under lock and key. I have been sane for 1 year now and I'm both
proud and grateful for it. I did it. I
made it a year! This has caused me to
reflect and almost relive my time there.
I can still smell it, I still feel her wind in my hair, and I resort to
the schedule I had all the time.
I get up each day and take inventory of myself. What's my number, what am I grateful for, and
what is my goal for the day. It brings
me back to the moment and refocuses my mind on what is really important in my
life. I have realized over the past year
that even the smallest goals count toward a day of accomplishment. I do what I can do each day, and if I can't
then there is always tomorrow. If you start the day by putting pressure on
yourself then you will end the day dissatisfied and frustrated, and discouraged
to start a new day.
I have bad days. My
people know that I have bad days, they are ok with it and so am I. When I came home last year my kids and I had
a talk about what happens when mom has a bad day. They come in and kiss me on the head and tell
me they love me, and we start new again tomorrow.
I have good days too, days where I get up and get dressed
and know exactly what I will accomplish that day, and I get it done and have plenty
of time to do the fun things like watch a tv show or do a craft. These are the days where I go to bed feeling
great and looking forward to the next day.
These are the days when there is not enough time to get everything done
that I would love to do. These are the
days my kids live for.
My cycle is around 7 days...I go up for a day or two, I
level off for around 3 to 4 days, and I come down for 1 to 2 days...then I
level off again. I'm told that my ups
are a hypo-mania state, where I do silly things like buy my dog a
raincoat. (In my defense he is mr
prissy-paws and it was raining.) My lows usually mean I get out of bed to pee
then move to the couch and crawl under a blanket to spend the day watching tv
with my boy.
Others who have no idea what it is to have what I have would
say that I am wasting away and haven't accomplished anything this last 12
months. To you I say this: I have accomplished something, and if nothing
else...I will no longer be silent! That
fear that I had before, that made me hide behind the "I'm fine" mask
is no longer there. I had a ritualistic
burning of that mask in the interest of my future sanity, and I will NEVER be
silenced by another person's stupid arrogance again! And you better believe that I will not stand
by and watch as someone else shrinks behind that mask in fear of another person’s
judgment. I'm not ashamed to live with
mental illness anymore, for me it is a badge of honor and I wear it without
fear. I have what some will never have;
the sure knowledge that I am enough just the way I am! His grace is sufficient, and I have achieved
a level of peace in my life that I wish everyone could have.
My name is Cristy. I
had a severe mental breakdown 1 year ago.
I spent 5 days in a psychiatric hospital. I live with mental illness every second of
everyday. I know the love of God. I know how to love. And I love me. I LOVE ME.
