This Means War!!

I am officially at war…with ants.  I know that those of you who know where I live would go “well duh, you live on a giant ant hill!”  Yes, I know this, and so does every person who lives in this valley…and if they don’t now then they soon will.  I have a house that is barely older than my little girl…and my mother keeps saying to me “where are they coming in?”  I DON’T KNOW!!!  Nor do I really care for that matter; I just want them not to be here anymore.  Is this too much to ask…I don’t really think so.

 My husband is telling me that I should have the pest control people come out and spray…a lovely idea, but not at all feasible.  We have 2 old people, 2 children, and 2 pets…can’t spray cause where would they go?!  Besides the fact that they are royally expensive and so not worth the cost…if they spray outside but not inside then you have the bugs driven inside.  If they spray both then you have to find a hotel to take the 2 old people, 2 children, and 2 pets…I cannot afford this, and even if I could I won’t pay for that inconvenience.  That is a bit like buying a cruise and taking your children with you.

 Over the course of the time that I have lived in the desert, I have learned many things about bugs.  This valley sits on an enormous ant hill…if you don’t have ants then wait a year and you will.  The black widows come out in October and the only real way to discourage them is to go out at night with waffle stomping boots, a flashlight, and really thick gloves…oh, and a pocket to carry your 3 cans of poison.  Tarantulas, scorpions, and snakes live underground in open fields and vacant lots…don’t get out of your car and wander around unless you enjoy ER visits.  The ants are the single most aggravating thing about living here…they are relentless and can slip through invisible cracks.  Ants, however, do not like Windex, water, baby powder, or Vaseline…and I know this by experience.  The spray poison just makes them high, and if you microwave them it just scrambles their brains temporarily forcing them to run about very quickly in circles…all be it amusing, it is hardly helpful.  They hide under things to fool you into believing that they aren’t there and then sneak about while you aren’t watching. 

 These ants are wandering all over my house…NOT all over my kitchen where they should be.  We have a few in a variety of places about the house, and my mother is maintaining that they are trapped in the house and are therefore trying to get out.  My contention is this:  Leave the way you came and pee on the opening crack so that other ants know not to enter because there is no food available to them, and they will get stuck wandering about “LOST”!!!  There are some wandering upstairs…No I don’t know how they got up there…by my computer, in the craft room, and my bathroom.  I have been dealing with them for so long now that all I do when I see them is make sure they aren’t swarming something and then I walk away.  Mom has gotten so into this that she is moving furniture away from walls and screaming at them.  I am fairly sure that she is slowly losing her mind, as she becomes giddy when I come downstairs in the morning so that she can give me the latest news on where they were and where she killed them.  She was wandering around the other day, not unlike the ants, looking for her glasses so that she could read something…she came and asked me after much frustration and I mentioned that her glasses were on her face.  *facepalm*…I think they are getting to her.

 We have all begun to dream about ants, and I am pretty sure that when we sleep at night they are crawling into our brains.  This is why we are at war…we might lose a battle here or there, but we will win the war!  I am paying the mortgage after all…although if they start marching $100 bills into me I will consider making them a farm to live in.  Until that happens, this is my house and I must defend it!  And this means WAR!!  Off I go to again arm myself with Windex and Vaseline…now all I need is an ant killing helmet.  Here’s to winning, Here’s to war, and Here’s to you Satan; because even an endless stream of ants won’t change my opinion…I WILL prevail!!