I think I am finally ready to write about part of this huge
change and dilemma in my life...I'm pregnant.
My shock was greater, trust me! I
discovered this very early one morning in April. I was in shock for some time while my husband
celebrated...then I became angry, and I mean really angry! I'm one who avoids conflict and anger...I
have always found them to be destructive and I don't like it, so I avoid
it. This time was different, I was so
mad and I couldn't stop it or even get a handle on it. And all my anger was directed right at my
husband, this was all his fault and I would never forgive him for it. I felt as though I had just been chained to a
wall and there was no escape, that what little freedom I believed I had was
just ripped away from me with no hope of tasting it again. Which in reality was not true and not really
fair to him, but I felt it all the same.
Add all this to having to go off all my normal meds cold
turkey and having morning sickness, and you have an unreasonable pregnant lady
who stayed in bed for about a month. It
seemed a more reasonable approach to the situation then killing my husband or
randomly running people over with the truck.
My first knee-jerk coping skill that I always fall back on is
distraction...I didn't want to think about how upset, angry, and depressed I
was about being pregnant...so I found something else to think about. This is what happens when the doctors say you
can't use drugs to mask your symptoms.
As I laid in bed crying or being mad, I decided to turn my
attention elsewhere as I could do nothing to change my predicament. My son’s iPad charges at the head of my bed,
so to Netflix I turned. They had
recently added House to the instant play portion...this was a show I had always
had interest in watching, but had a small child who prevented me from watching
anything I wanted to watch. I was most
happy about finally being able to watch it, and it proved to be a most
effective distraction. After watching
all 8 seasons in a short amount of time, I continued to use Hugh Laurie as a
distraction from the irritation at hand...as he seemed really familiar to me
and I couldn't figure out from where. It
turns out that all my time spent watching British comedy was useful after all, as
that's where I had seen him before. I
had the joy of watching some of that comedy all over again...more distraction,
yay! And I got to laugh all over again,
which is an amazing way to deal with anger...something that I had not known
before.
As I continued in my exploration of this distraction I
discovered 2 blues albums that Hugh Laurie recorded more recently. As I'm not one that limits my exploration of
art, soon these were downloaded onto a shuffle I had laying around...as I have
previously said, I immerse myself in art...so I plugged myself in and it
touched my very soul. What started as a
simple distraction became a piece of my life that I will always associate with
my baby boy. My baby boy...my connection
to the blues...and a new piece of my soul.
I am pleased to report that I am gradually moving towards
happiness about this situation. I did
want another baby, I just wasn't quite prepared for it...but I am beginning to
accept that this is what God has planned.
I was able to look at baby clothes in the store the other day, and I
bought the pajamas that he will wear when he comes home from the hospital. This is an enormous step for me, given the
way it all started. I am having another
baby boy to cuddle and love and melt my heart.
