Over the last few weeks I have come to a new realization
about myself. I never really needed that
mask I wore for so many years...because I am a chameleon. I alter and change given my surroundings and
mood, and the person under all that is almost never visible by any but me. I think this discovery has been a long time
coming...a few months ago my husband found out something about me that really
surprised him. I realized that even
though this had been a part of my personality since long before he came into my
life, I had altered colors to suit his needs and adapted mine to accept
fulfillment in the alterations I could make in his life. Wow that sounded awful...but I don't think I
can elaborate without revealing too much.
There is a beast inside me that spends a great deal of time writhing in
anger and frustration. If I hadn't been
LDS, the demon would have won the battle for me and I would happily have fed
him.
As it is I have to make concessions in order to maintain any
level of control to change when needed.
In a lot of cases I may have thrown the mask away and burned it, but by
no means will that ever reveal the beast.
My chameleon like skin will always adapt to cover and conceal what is
really lingering inside me. He and I are
only uncovered when it's just me and him and a way to express it...where the
only one effected is me. I am the only
one who knows the pain, the deepest desires, and all that can never be
understood by others. Ryane has only
seen a piece of him, but little by little he glimpses bits if he is paying
attention.
So who or what am I...hmmm, perhaps a little. I am an artist...I drink art to the point of drunkenness. It fills the voids with raw emotion and I
love it, I take it in and I bathe in it and let it wash all over me touching
every part of me. Small parts of what is
taken in is then regurgitated in my own work.
When I listen to music I become the music, it is no longer words and
melody, it is raw and I feel every beat and intonation. I breathe with it, I smell and taste it, and
my inner eye blares with image and light.
This is why I love ALL forms of art, why I love to see movies in the
theater, and devour well done tv shows.
I stood in front of Van Gogh's and Picasso's...for me those were
spiritual experiences...it is like becoming a part of the pieces.
I value freedom of choice above all else...whatever you
believe I shouldn't watch, see, hear, experience, believe, or any other bands
you believe I should live in has little to no effect on me. By voicing them all you do is anger me, and
the only reaction you will get from me is irritation. And that is the real me peeking out...if I
remain silent it is only because my skin is changing. I abhor any rule, law, or expectation that
would essentially take away another persons’ right to make a choice for them
self. It is truly the only thing that is
ours, given to us as a gift from God himself.
How dare we as mortals think we have any right or responsibility to take
that away from another human being!?
People in favor of this are stepping in where even God will not go. Choosing our life's course is no one else's
decision...it belongs to the individual and no other.
But deep at the root I am a changeling. I will adapt and alter depending on what is
expected of me in the situation I am in.
If I am surrounded by church members I alter to the appropriate skin
tone while part of me writhes. If I am
surrounded by addicts I change to feel comfortable and thrive equally as
well...which is probably the more comfortable of the two situations for what I
am. Yes, I said it and I mean it...my
comfort level is higher with addicts, I am one.
They also live without pretension, without judgment, and with openness.
Like a chameleon I have an almost telescoping eye...it is a
gift and it is hard to shut off. I spent
five years studying human behavior, and I was a good study. I read body language the way others read
books, and lies are seen in fully highlighted words and paragraphs. Pretension and judgment reek like body
odor...I don't like the smell. People
get further with me by being accepting and honest. Finding fault is hanging a sign around your
neck that screams ignorance and fear.
This life is filled with absolute joy and beauty, God put it
here for us to experience, drink it in...let it wash over all of you! I choose to see it all, to take it all in,
and to revel in it. I want to go home to
God with the ability to say that I experienced mortality to the fullest extent
I could, to be able to say that I used all of my senses to the maximum. So even if it defies expectation I will love
what I love and enjoy all that I can, as I believe this is what God intends us
to do.
